Die to self

So, it's been a long time since my last post, but that's okay. We just celebrated Thanksgiving and it was good and bad. I was telling Carrie that I really enjoyed Thanksgiving this year at the Ashby's (as usual), but the bad thing is that I was so wiped out that I had to go home early at one point to take a nap. This whole fatigue issue is really getting on my nerves. Speaking of nerves, one of the reasons why I am so wiped out is that my body is constantly trying to fight off this stupid cancer and so my body is essentially never getting rest. To top it all off, the pain med's that I am on runs out every 48 hours and so if I don't time it properly I really feel what my body has been feeling the whole time. It sounds weird as I am typing it, but my body and brain are feeling two different things right now. My brain is telling me that there is no pain, but my body is telling me that there is pain ... or it's the other way around. Either way, I am tired and I'm tired of being tired.
Carrie has been a trooper as usual. Putting up with my tiredness, but she's human and she can only handle so much. Lord, please bless her because she has blessed me so much and I don't know how I can repay her, but I know you can.
Anyway, the point of this blog is expecting the unexpected and this post has to do with yesterday. So we went to Frank and Sarah Laratonda's on Saturday night after we went to Aaron and Michelle Colman's. Both to celebrate birthdays. So, I knew that I would be wiped out the next day and wasn't looking forward to how the day would go. Sunday came ... we got up ... I got up with Ezra (for the first time in a long long time) while Carrie laid down for a little longer ... had some breakfast and then I went back to sleep. Got up a little later and we all went to the Urban Forestry to hang out and enjoy the lovely weather. While we were there we bumped into Alison Phillips, which is cool, but unexpected. That's not the unexpected part that I am talking about. We went over to Hampton to get Ezra some shoes and to have lunch and that's not the unexpected part either. Sunday nap - totally expected. So what was unexpected?
The message.
I totally was not looking forward to going to church yesterday and this is not the first time. For those of you reading, I don't want to super-spiritualize things, but if there are times / days you don't want to go to a church meeting, go to the meeting and you will not regret it. Even though I know this, I was resistant to going to church and so if there was an excuse to not go, I would have found it, but I didn't ... thank God.
We got to church just in time for the message and Steve Bowden was preaching on dreams as he continued the series on the Gospel of Joseph. The message itself was good, but the whole meeting, there was a clear sense that God was trying to speak to me about something. As I listened, I was praying, "Lord, speak for your servant is listening." I am in a place where I am wondering what heaven will be like, will I really make it there, am I really a Christian. I know it sounds weird especially as I lead times of worship for our church, but I feel like God is bringing me through this time to draw me closer because I have really questioned my previous years of existence and if I really was submitted to the Lordship of Christ and in relationship with Him.
So, I was expecting not a lot from the service yesterday and boy was I wrong. One of the things Steve talked about was the coat of many colors and how it represents the grace of God. The many colors represent so many different parts of grace, but the main thing is that it is to represent a mantle that God places on us. There is spiritual gifting but it is different from the calling on our lives. He said that many of us are scared to put on the coat because when Joseph put his coat on, he became the target of his brothers, which led to many other unfortunate events ( in the eyes of man), but ultimately worked out for the salvation of a nation. "Who knows what God has in store for us." We want to know, but many times not knowing what is to come is more for our benefit than frustration.
At the end as usual, there was the invitation to come forward to receive prayer. I went forward and sat in the middle of the front pew. I had a big ole smile on my face because I knew it was right for me to be there. A few people prayed for me and it was all good, but the icing on the cake was when Ian Ashby prayed for me. All the words that had been spoken over me as people prayed for me was great and encouraging, but I felt the touch and presence of God as Ian prayed for me ... that I would know the sonship of the Father. It was awesome, but that was not the unexpected thing.
What was unexpected was the statistics that popped into my head as I was praying and being prayed for. A while ago I read somewhere that people diagnosed with my condition have a 95% survival rate after 5 years and then it drops to 85% after 15 years. I know I am getting the numbers wrong, but the point is that my condition is terminal. The unexpected thing is that I was finding peace and comfort in this because of what I had read in a book a few days earlier. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but it is Christ that lives in me. Galatians 2:20. Where was this peace coming from? Jesus. Why was I thinking of these statistics? I know. The sooner I die (figuratively), the sooner Christ can really take over ... I mean really take over. No more control over my life thinking that I can sort things out or even figure things out. I can't. Apart from Him, I can do nothing. I knew that before, but God is definitely taking me through a process right now of KNOWING this. I still have a long ways to go, but I am so thankful for this process now because even though the day to day is hard, I know that in the end it is for my good (Romans 8:28). That was another thing Steve mentioned is that through all the hardship, Joseph didn't lose faith. He remained steadfast because he had a single-minded heart - He loved God and lived for Him. Again, I don't think I am there yet, but I know I am getting there through His Spirit.