The start of school

Next week is the start of school for my kids. I put in a few days this week and last week and I am exhausted. I don't know how I'm going to make it this year. I feel like as each day passes, I have less and less energy, but the good of it is that I feel like God is always there with me helping me along. It's not smooth sailing, but the assurance is that I am not alone.

I want so much to stay in bed and do nothing. It's not like I want to stay home and play video games all day. I just want to do nothing. I feel like I have no energy and drive to do things. The good thing is that I am excited ... kind of for this year and all that I want to do. I just want to make sure I am doing an excellent job as a teacher for my kids.

The cool thing is that I know I have a lot of support: wife, child, family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. I feel very blessed to be where I am and doing what I can do. I hope and pray that this is going to be a breakthrough year for me and the people around me. Let's see.

What now?

As usual, it's a few days later ... maybe I need the time to process things in my head ... maybe I just don't make the time. Either way, it's Wednesday night and I saw Dr. John Clark Monday afternoon. It was an interesting visit. The day started out as normal. I slept in a little, Carrie got up with Ezra and had breakfast and played. When I got up, we putzed around getting ready to have Ezra stay with Niki and Margaret. I love the Ikedas. They have been with us through it all. Even before the whole cancer situation, the Ikedas have been there for us. Don't get me wrong, other friends and family members have been there to help and guide us along, but the Ikedas have been like family to us. So, I'm in charge of Ezra while Carrie works a few hours. Unfortunately, the whole nap situation got screwed up and so Ezra didn't have a good nap. I'm stressed, Carrie's stressed and Ezra is just tired.
Thankfully Niki and Margaret are easy going and they ushered us along to Boston and told us not to worry about him. So, we made our way down to Boston to see Dr. Clark. After waiting some time for the doctor to come and see us, which was totally fine, we spent a good 2 hours talking about the next steps. Dr. Clark went through the CT scans with us and agreed that there was growth in the lungs, talked about options, and explained things as we went along.
The really cool thing is that I learned that Clark is a Christian. How cool is that? What's really cool is that all throughout the visit, I kept having these weird sensations like the room was zooming out and in and I could sense God's presence in the room. I couldn't see Him, but I could sense Him. That's one of the reasons why I asked Clark if he was a believer ... I actually asked him if he was Jewish first. Carrie later asked me why I asked him if he was Jewish. I didn't know why I asked that.
Anyway, the end conclusion of the meeting was:
1. I will be put on the waiting list for some experimental trials. A lady from MGH will call me to let me know what is available and ask if I am interested. That's cool.
2. I will try to wean myself off the pain med's and see if I can do without. (Note: I tried today to test to see if I felt pain first of gitters first. Can you guess what came first? Pain. The pain is still kind of there. The gitters came, but thankfully the pain came first. I will have to talk to the doc's about this and figure it out.)
3. I will take 3 months off of chemo for right now. I got the impression that Dr. Clark might want me to try the Platinin drug again, but he says there are other options. The good thing is that I am in a season right now that there is no rush. He said we will have to keep an eye on a nodule in my chest that is close to the air tube connected the lung. If that were to grow, we might have to do some radiation.
Overall, I'm not sure what to feel or think right now. My back is sore, I'm kind of feeling down, and I'm not looking forward to going back to school even though we have some new and exciting things planned for the year. Lord, I need You. I'm feeling nervous about what's going to happen to me. I always thought this was going to be a quick thing and that I would go on talking about what an amazing experience it was to be healed by God. That was a year ago. Times like this I am reminded of Moses and Abraham. They were given promises, really cool promises, and they had to wait a long time to see the fulfillment or not even see the fulfillment of the promises given to them. Lord, is it going to be a long time? I know it was You who promised that I would be healed. Times like this make me think about why am I a Christian. What am I living for?
I feel like I am living for a paycheck to pay the bills, but there is so much more to life than just paying bills. I know I do my best to be an example to my kids at school, but am I really a good example? Am I living for the right things? Do I really know what I believe in.
I was reading one of C.H. Spurgeon's sermon's the other day and it was all about the immutability of God. God is unchanging and His promises are unchanging because He is steadfast and true to His promises. One of His promises / warnings was: "He that believeth not shall be damned." This is Spurgeon talking, but there is truth to it. What are we to believe in? I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe that Jesus lived a sinless life. I believe that Jesus died on the cross. I believe He rose again three days latere and it was his death and resurrection that defeated sin and the penalty of sin. I believe that if I ask for forgiveness He will forgive me of ALL my sins. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe that the Holy Spirit has been sent for me and everyone to live out a life in response to His mercy and grace, but why do I feel like I am not living it out? Why am I not telling others about this? What am I telling them?
When it comes to evangelism, my problem is that I understand that ultimately it is God who calls. It is God who chooses. It is God who saves. It is God who breathes life. So what are we to believe in, or did I answer my own questions? How do I approach someone with the gospel? It's not about fire and brimstone, is it? It's not about a list of do's and don't's. Even as I sit here writing this I wonder if I really know what I am living for. Do I really know what is to come ... after death? Do I really want to be in heaven even though I know that it is going to be an amazing place? I am so focused on myself these days that I have lost my focus on the one who is most important - Jesus. How do I get that focus back on track or how do I get it on track if it wasn't before? It's not just about living a good life, singing the right songs, saying the right things, or being a good person. It's about being madly in love with Jesus, but am I madly in love with Him?

CT Scan

So, I said I was going to see the doctor the other day. Again, the time goes by so fast that I didn't get a chance to post until now. We, Carrie, Ezra, and I, just finished having dinner with the Ikedas and it was a nice time. It's always nice hanging with the Ikedas because it's like hanging with family. We don't have to do anything special even though our time together is always special to me. So, Shayne was asking how I am doing and I told him I'm doing good right now, but yesterday I wasn't do so well. It was more in response to my neighbors moving. I'm going to miss the Colman's. They're moving soon out of our lovely duplex and going to Exeter. I really hope they enjoy their new home, but it's going to be sad seeing them leave.
Anyway, what was such a downer yesterday? Money. I know that there is more to life than money ... actually there are a lot of things in life that is more than money, but somehow the whole money thing seems to come back over and over again. I know my hope lies in Jesus and not what I can do and what I have, but for some reason my lack of finances seemed to get me down a lot yesterday. To top it all off, Henry told us that there was a little growth in my lung even after 8 treatments of the new chemo drug, Navelbine. I had a feeling that there wasn't any reduction in my lung, but I had my fingers crossed and was expectant that God was doing something. Well, as Shayne encouraged me today, I have to keep going strong until I can't go anymore.
The good thing about my wife is that when I'm not doing so well, she's there for me and vice versa. Isn't God good like that? She was an encouragement yesterday as she suggested to pray together before we went to sleep. It was good. I was honest before God and said that I am not feeling good and just threw things out there and asked for His grace and more understanding of His grace. I have to say that I am feeling a lot better today than yesterday. I worked a full day with the math ladies at the Murdock residence and accomplished a lot of work, came home and went to the park with my family, and hung out with some friends in the evening. Overall, a good day.
Carrie and I are going down to MGH on Monday to see Dr. John Clark about what to do next. I pray that God gives him insight and wisdom into the whole situation. It's interesting that it's after the weekend because we are focusing on the Holy Spirit this month in our Sunday meetings. We as a church are expectant that God is preparing and doing something big in Portsmouth, NH and it's going to involve the Holy Spirit. We'll see what happens. I'm expectant and kind of getting excited.
God, come and do Your thing.

New things

Why is it so hard to learn new things? My son just turned 2 a few days ago ... actually 12 days ago now. Where does the time go? Someone eats it. (That's something my friend used to say in college. I wonder if he still says it.) Someone must eat it. I just read some bios on Web 2.0 guys and they are tweeting, posting, blogging, podcasting, and supporting families. I'm struggling just to support my family. I love my family and want to provide for them but I am feeling tired all the time. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I have cancer. More specifically, I have Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma. Why do I mention that? Because I wish that I had more energy and one of the reasons why I don't have so much energy is my condition. The other reason is because I am not highly motivated. Either way, I do want to change and get better - hence the start of this blog.
I had this grand idea ... actually it was suggested by some friends to start a blog about how I am doing so that people can read about it and not harass me with the same old questions "how you doing?" "what's new?" I resisted and resisted and realized that I am causing more stress by not doing this, so I decided to start my blog. I hope to talk about education stuff in this blog, but I think I will mainly focus on what is going on in my life for right now.
I am going to the hospital in a few hours to meet with my doctor and friend, Henry Sonneborn. He's my medical oncologist. We'll be discussing the CT scan that I just did yesterday at Wentworth-Douglass Hospital in Dover, NH. I hope there is good news. I know God is healing me, but I don't know how long it will take. The good thing is that God is healing me.
So, learning new things. My son is a fearless boy ... until we teach him what to be afraid of. When he was a little boy, he loved to play with BUGS. "Bug," he would say. "Bug." Over and over until we would come over to check out the speck he found. The amazing thing is that one time he saw the tinyest bug from across the room, points at it and shouts out "bug." I think there is no chance he saw a bug so I dismiss it. Did he let go of the situation? What do you think? I go over to the spot to appease him and what do I find? A bug.
So, here's my kid - he loves bugs. One day, he's at the park with mommy and friends. He's looking at the carpenter ants and decides to pick one up. Big mistake. Those suckers have sharp pincers and they like to hold on. So, the ant pinches my sons finger and Carrie, my wife, trys to get the ant off and then there's blood. Uh oh. Does this curb his appetite for bugs? No. He still likes them, but every so often he will say, "bug ... bite you" then he'll ask to go inside.
Where did that fear come from? I don't know, but it's a new thing. The cool thing I learned from my son is that I need to learn new things. I didn't get that from the bug thing. The bug story is just a cute story that I wanted to share about learning new things. I picked this up while watching my son at swim lessons and at the store. When we go swimming, he loves and laughs when we do something new. When we practice doing something old, he can care less, but give him something new like a toy or a box. Oh boy. Prepare for hours of fun ... actually maybe fifteen minutes. :) There is nothing like the excitement of learning or discovering new things. Yeah, we feel a bit nervous at first, but in the end the initial feelings of nervousness is so worth it when you see the end product.
I'm learning new things with these Web 2.0 tools i.e. wiki's, blogs, podcasts, and more. I hope to keep adding more about what's going on, but for right now - time for night night.