Die to self

So, it's been a long time since my last post, but that's okay. We just celebrated Thanksgiving and it was good and bad. I was telling Carrie that I really enjoyed Thanksgiving this year at the Ashby's (as usual), but the bad thing is that I was so wiped out that I had to go home early at one point to take a nap. This whole fatigue issue is really getting on my nerves. Speaking of nerves, one of the reasons why I am so wiped out is that my body is constantly trying to fight off this stupid cancer and so my body is essentially never getting rest. To top it all off, the pain med's that I am on runs out every 48 hours and so if I don't time it properly I really feel what my body has been feeling the whole time. It sounds weird as I am typing it, but my body and brain are feeling two different things right now. My brain is telling me that there is no pain, but my body is telling me that there is pain ... or it's the other way around. Either way, I am tired and I'm tired of being tired.
Carrie has been a trooper as usual. Putting up with my tiredness, but she's human and she can only handle so much. Lord, please bless her because she has blessed me so much and I don't know how I can repay her, but I know you can.
Anyway, the point of this blog is expecting the unexpected and this post has to do with yesterday. So we went to Frank and Sarah Laratonda's on Saturday night after we went to Aaron and Michelle Colman's. Both to celebrate birthdays. So, I knew that I would be wiped out the next day and wasn't looking forward to how the day would go. Sunday came ... we got up ... I got up with Ezra (for the first time in a long long time) while Carrie laid down for a little longer ... had some breakfast and then I went back to sleep. Got up a little later and we all went to the Urban Forestry to hang out and enjoy the lovely weather. While we were there we bumped into Alison Phillips, which is cool, but unexpected. That's not the unexpected part that I am talking about. We went over to Hampton to get Ezra some shoes and to have lunch and that's not the unexpected part either. Sunday nap - totally expected. So what was unexpected?
The message.
I totally was not looking forward to going to church yesterday and this is not the first time. For those of you reading, I don't want to super-spiritualize things, but if there are times / days you don't want to go to a church meeting, go to the meeting and you will not regret it. Even though I know this, I was resistant to going to church and so if there was an excuse to not go, I would have found it, but I didn't ... thank God.
We got to church just in time for the message and Steve Bowden was preaching on dreams as he continued the series on the Gospel of Joseph. The message itself was good, but the whole meeting, there was a clear sense that God was trying to speak to me about something. As I listened, I was praying, "Lord, speak for your servant is listening." I am in a place where I am wondering what heaven will be like, will I really make it there, am I really a Christian. I know it sounds weird especially as I lead times of worship for our church, but I feel like God is bringing me through this time to draw me closer because I have really questioned my previous years of existence and if I really was submitted to the Lordship of Christ and in relationship with Him.
So, I was expecting not a lot from the service yesterday and boy was I wrong. One of the things Steve talked about was the coat of many colors and how it represents the grace of God. The many colors represent so many different parts of grace, but the main thing is that it is to represent a mantle that God places on us. There is spiritual gifting but it is different from the calling on our lives. He said that many of us are scared to put on the coat because when Joseph put his coat on, he became the target of his brothers, which led to many other unfortunate events ( in the eyes of man), but ultimately worked out for the salvation of a nation. "Who knows what God has in store for us." We want to know, but many times not knowing what is to come is more for our benefit than frustration.
At the end as usual, there was the invitation to come forward to receive prayer. I went forward and sat in the middle of the front pew. I had a big ole smile on my face because I knew it was right for me to be there. A few people prayed for me and it was all good, but the icing on the cake was when Ian Ashby prayed for me. All the words that had been spoken over me as people prayed for me was great and encouraging, but I felt the touch and presence of God as Ian prayed for me ... that I would know the sonship of the Father. It was awesome, but that was not the unexpected thing.
What was unexpected was the statistics that popped into my head as I was praying and being prayed for. A while ago I read somewhere that people diagnosed with my condition have a 95% survival rate after 5 years and then it drops to 85% after 15 years. I know I am getting the numbers wrong, but the point is that my condition is terminal. The unexpected thing is that I was finding peace and comfort in this because of what I had read in a book a few days earlier. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but it is Christ that lives in me. Galatians 2:20. Where was this peace coming from? Jesus. Why was I thinking of these statistics? I know. The sooner I die (figuratively), the sooner Christ can really take over ... I mean really take over. No more control over my life thinking that I can sort things out or even figure things out. I can't. Apart from Him, I can do nothing. I knew that before, but God is definitely taking me through a process right now of KNOWING this. I still have a long ways to go, but I am so thankful for this process now because even though the day to day is hard, I know that in the end it is for my good (Romans 8:28). That was another thing Steve mentioned is that through all the hardship, Joseph didn't lose faith. He remained steadfast because he had a single-minded heart - He loved God and lived for Him. Again, I don't think I am there yet, but I know I am getting there through His Spirit.

It's Kind of Nice

It's kind of nice having a space that not a lot of people come to. As of right now, I have 0 followers, but that's okay with me. I can talk about what I want to and do it because that's what I want to do. It was a good day today. I spent the day with my family at the Dover Greek Festival, Wagon Hill Farm, and the Moore's for their annual clam bake. I felt fatigued at various points of the day, but the good thing is that I was out of bed for all of the day. Shayne stopped by this morning with Margaret and they were going to take Ezra home with them to feed him some breakfast but Ezra didn't go with them because we were getting ready to go to the Greek Fest. I asked Shayne how the prayer meeting was and he said it was good. He said that they prayed for us at the meeting and I asked, "Did anything good come out?" He said, "Yeah, you're healed." I'm not completely healed right now, but I know that God is doing something in me. I know He is healing me and trying to stay positive and full of faith, but the important thing is to remember that any of that is only by God's grace. I can do nothing in my own strength, but I can do all things through Christ Jesus, who strengthens me.
I really enjoyed my walk with Carrie and Ezra today at Wagon Hill. Carrie and I prayed together as we were walking and I am so thankful for my friends and family. There are so many people praying for us and caring for us, I feel so special and lucky. If there is one thing that I know that God is trying to teach / show me is that He loves me so much and He shows it through the people around me. Carrie especially has shown me so much love and I am so thankful for her. She has been a super trouper through all of the time I have known her. I hope I never forget the first time I met her. The first time I saw her was in Diana Morin's van as she pulled up to the Roger's house. She was wearing a teal t-shirt and jeans and she was so short behind the wheel of the van I can't believe she could see over the steering wheel. Anyway, I expected one thing and she totally caught me off guard. From the start, I dug her and I am so glad I'm with her. I just feel bad for her because I'm not as fun as she is and don't have the energy she has.
Which brings me to one of the cool parts of the day. We're all having a good time at the Moore's clam bake and as my family and the Roger's family are the last to leave, David Rogers talks to me about some of the dreams he has had over the past few weeks. He essentially said that he felt God saying to him, "I love Sam Hyun." The cool thing is that I woke up the other day to the song, His Banner over me is love. I woke up hearing it as clear as day. So is God trying to say something to me? I think so. God loves me. I love Him. I wish I knew how to love Him the same way He loves me, but I know that I am growing in it. I want so much to grow in my love to Him, my wife, my son, and everyone else around me.
Lord, help me to love.

The start of school

Next week is the start of school for my kids. I put in a few days this week and last week and I am exhausted. I don't know how I'm going to make it this year. I feel like as each day passes, I have less and less energy, but the good of it is that I feel like God is always there with me helping me along. It's not smooth sailing, but the assurance is that I am not alone.

I want so much to stay in bed and do nothing. It's not like I want to stay home and play video games all day. I just want to do nothing. I feel like I have no energy and drive to do things. The good thing is that I am excited ... kind of for this year and all that I want to do. I just want to make sure I am doing an excellent job as a teacher for my kids.

The cool thing is that I know I have a lot of support: wife, child, family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. I feel very blessed to be where I am and doing what I can do. I hope and pray that this is going to be a breakthrough year for me and the people around me. Let's see.

What now?

As usual, it's a few days later ... maybe I need the time to process things in my head ... maybe I just don't make the time. Either way, it's Wednesday night and I saw Dr. John Clark Monday afternoon. It was an interesting visit. The day started out as normal. I slept in a little, Carrie got up with Ezra and had breakfast and played. When I got up, we putzed around getting ready to have Ezra stay with Niki and Margaret. I love the Ikedas. They have been with us through it all. Even before the whole cancer situation, the Ikedas have been there for us. Don't get me wrong, other friends and family members have been there to help and guide us along, but the Ikedas have been like family to us. So, I'm in charge of Ezra while Carrie works a few hours. Unfortunately, the whole nap situation got screwed up and so Ezra didn't have a good nap. I'm stressed, Carrie's stressed and Ezra is just tired.
Thankfully Niki and Margaret are easy going and they ushered us along to Boston and told us not to worry about him. So, we made our way down to Boston to see Dr. Clark. After waiting some time for the doctor to come and see us, which was totally fine, we spent a good 2 hours talking about the next steps. Dr. Clark went through the CT scans with us and agreed that there was growth in the lungs, talked about options, and explained things as we went along.
The really cool thing is that I learned that Clark is a Christian. How cool is that? What's really cool is that all throughout the visit, I kept having these weird sensations like the room was zooming out and in and I could sense God's presence in the room. I couldn't see Him, but I could sense Him. That's one of the reasons why I asked Clark if he was a believer ... I actually asked him if he was Jewish first. Carrie later asked me why I asked him if he was Jewish. I didn't know why I asked that.
Anyway, the end conclusion of the meeting was:
1. I will be put on the waiting list for some experimental trials. A lady from MGH will call me to let me know what is available and ask if I am interested. That's cool.
2. I will try to wean myself off the pain med's and see if I can do without. (Note: I tried today to test to see if I felt pain first of gitters first. Can you guess what came first? Pain. The pain is still kind of there. The gitters came, but thankfully the pain came first. I will have to talk to the doc's about this and figure it out.)
3. I will take 3 months off of chemo for right now. I got the impression that Dr. Clark might want me to try the Platinin drug again, but he says there are other options. The good thing is that I am in a season right now that there is no rush. He said we will have to keep an eye on a nodule in my chest that is close to the air tube connected the lung. If that were to grow, we might have to do some radiation.
Overall, I'm not sure what to feel or think right now. My back is sore, I'm kind of feeling down, and I'm not looking forward to going back to school even though we have some new and exciting things planned for the year. Lord, I need You. I'm feeling nervous about what's going to happen to me. I always thought this was going to be a quick thing and that I would go on talking about what an amazing experience it was to be healed by God. That was a year ago. Times like this I am reminded of Moses and Abraham. They were given promises, really cool promises, and they had to wait a long time to see the fulfillment or not even see the fulfillment of the promises given to them. Lord, is it going to be a long time? I know it was You who promised that I would be healed. Times like this make me think about why am I a Christian. What am I living for?
I feel like I am living for a paycheck to pay the bills, but there is so much more to life than just paying bills. I know I do my best to be an example to my kids at school, but am I really a good example? Am I living for the right things? Do I really know what I believe in.
I was reading one of C.H. Spurgeon's sermon's the other day and it was all about the immutability of God. God is unchanging and His promises are unchanging because He is steadfast and true to His promises. One of His promises / warnings was: "He that believeth not shall be damned." This is Spurgeon talking, but there is truth to it. What are we to believe in? I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe that Jesus lived a sinless life. I believe that Jesus died on the cross. I believe He rose again three days latere and it was his death and resurrection that defeated sin and the penalty of sin. I believe that if I ask for forgiveness He will forgive me of ALL my sins. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe that the Holy Spirit has been sent for me and everyone to live out a life in response to His mercy and grace, but why do I feel like I am not living it out? Why am I not telling others about this? What am I telling them?
When it comes to evangelism, my problem is that I understand that ultimately it is God who calls. It is God who chooses. It is God who saves. It is God who breathes life. So what are we to believe in, or did I answer my own questions? How do I approach someone with the gospel? It's not about fire and brimstone, is it? It's not about a list of do's and don't's. Even as I sit here writing this I wonder if I really know what I am living for. Do I really know what is to come ... after death? Do I really want to be in heaven even though I know that it is going to be an amazing place? I am so focused on myself these days that I have lost my focus on the one who is most important - Jesus. How do I get that focus back on track or how do I get it on track if it wasn't before? It's not just about living a good life, singing the right songs, saying the right things, or being a good person. It's about being madly in love with Jesus, but am I madly in love with Him?

CT Scan

So, I said I was going to see the doctor the other day. Again, the time goes by so fast that I didn't get a chance to post until now. We, Carrie, Ezra, and I, just finished having dinner with the Ikedas and it was a nice time. It's always nice hanging with the Ikedas because it's like hanging with family. We don't have to do anything special even though our time together is always special to me. So, Shayne was asking how I am doing and I told him I'm doing good right now, but yesterday I wasn't do so well. It was more in response to my neighbors moving. I'm going to miss the Colman's. They're moving soon out of our lovely duplex and going to Exeter. I really hope they enjoy their new home, but it's going to be sad seeing them leave.
Anyway, what was such a downer yesterday? Money. I know that there is more to life than money ... actually there are a lot of things in life that is more than money, but somehow the whole money thing seems to come back over and over again. I know my hope lies in Jesus and not what I can do and what I have, but for some reason my lack of finances seemed to get me down a lot yesterday. To top it all off, Henry told us that there was a little growth in my lung even after 8 treatments of the new chemo drug, Navelbine. I had a feeling that there wasn't any reduction in my lung, but I had my fingers crossed and was expectant that God was doing something. Well, as Shayne encouraged me today, I have to keep going strong until I can't go anymore.
The good thing about my wife is that when I'm not doing so well, she's there for me and vice versa. Isn't God good like that? She was an encouragement yesterday as she suggested to pray together before we went to sleep. It was good. I was honest before God and said that I am not feeling good and just threw things out there and asked for His grace and more understanding of His grace. I have to say that I am feeling a lot better today than yesterday. I worked a full day with the math ladies at the Murdock residence and accomplished a lot of work, came home and went to the park with my family, and hung out with some friends in the evening. Overall, a good day.
Carrie and I are going down to MGH on Monday to see Dr. John Clark about what to do next. I pray that God gives him insight and wisdom into the whole situation. It's interesting that it's after the weekend because we are focusing on the Holy Spirit this month in our Sunday meetings. We as a church are expectant that God is preparing and doing something big in Portsmouth, NH and it's going to involve the Holy Spirit. We'll see what happens. I'm expectant and kind of getting excited.
God, come and do Your thing.

New things

Why is it so hard to learn new things? My son just turned 2 a few days ago ... actually 12 days ago now. Where does the time go? Someone eats it. (That's something my friend used to say in college. I wonder if he still says it.) Someone must eat it. I just read some bios on Web 2.0 guys and they are tweeting, posting, blogging, podcasting, and supporting families. I'm struggling just to support my family. I love my family and want to provide for them but I am feeling tired all the time. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I have cancer. More specifically, I have Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma. Why do I mention that? Because I wish that I had more energy and one of the reasons why I don't have so much energy is my condition. The other reason is because I am not highly motivated. Either way, I do want to change and get better - hence the start of this blog.
I had this grand idea ... actually it was suggested by some friends to start a blog about how I am doing so that people can read about it and not harass me with the same old questions "how you doing?" "what's new?" I resisted and resisted and realized that I am causing more stress by not doing this, so I decided to start my blog. I hope to talk about education stuff in this blog, but I think I will mainly focus on what is going on in my life for right now.
I am going to the hospital in a few hours to meet with my doctor and friend, Henry Sonneborn. He's my medical oncologist. We'll be discussing the CT scan that I just did yesterday at Wentworth-Douglass Hospital in Dover, NH. I hope there is good news. I know God is healing me, but I don't know how long it will take. The good thing is that God is healing me.
So, learning new things. My son is a fearless boy ... until we teach him what to be afraid of. When he was a little boy, he loved to play with BUGS. "Bug," he would say. "Bug." Over and over until we would come over to check out the speck he found. The amazing thing is that one time he saw the tinyest bug from across the room, points at it and shouts out "bug." I think there is no chance he saw a bug so I dismiss it. Did he let go of the situation? What do you think? I go over to the spot to appease him and what do I find? A bug.
So, here's my kid - he loves bugs. One day, he's at the park with mommy and friends. He's looking at the carpenter ants and decides to pick one up. Big mistake. Those suckers have sharp pincers and they like to hold on. So, the ant pinches my sons finger and Carrie, my wife, trys to get the ant off and then there's blood. Uh oh. Does this curb his appetite for bugs? No. He still likes them, but every so often he will say, "bug ... bite you" then he'll ask to go inside.
Where did that fear come from? I don't know, but it's a new thing. The cool thing I learned from my son is that I need to learn new things. I didn't get that from the bug thing. The bug story is just a cute story that I wanted to share about learning new things. I picked this up while watching my son at swim lessons and at the store. When we go swimming, he loves and laughs when we do something new. When we practice doing something old, he can care less, but give him something new like a toy or a box. Oh boy. Prepare for hours of fun ... actually maybe fifteen minutes. :) There is nothing like the excitement of learning or discovering new things. Yeah, we feel a bit nervous at first, but in the end the initial feelings of nervousness is so worth it when you see the end product.
I'm learning new things with these Web 2.0 tools i.e. wiki's, blogs, podcasts, and more. I hope to keep adding more about what's going on, but for right now - time for night night.

Where do I start?

To start things out, I'm going to keep it simple especially since I just told my wife I would only be the computer for another 5 minutes and that was 3 minutes ago. Anyway, I saw other people on the net using the title "Expect the unexpected" so I'm not coming up with an original thought for my title, but I hope to provide some original content that is unique as I am going to share a little of my story as I go along. Here goes. If you read this and come back to find out more, thanks. If you read this and never come back, thanks for stopping by. If you read this and contribute to the blog with comments and posts, thanks for sharing. Peace out for right now. Talk to you later.