So, it's been a few days since my last post. Specifically 6 days, but it's been a bit of an adjustment leaving the clinic. My time at the clinic can best be described as going on a retreat. No worries about going to work, no large amount of stressful work, and for the most part - isolated from the real world. We had our time rubbing shoulders with the real world, but most of my time was spent at the clinic doing treatments. Now that I'm away from the clinic, I feel sad, anxious, but hopeful.
The last few hours at the clinic were just as I expected it (because I was still thinking with the old mindset) ... stressful. Things were not going to my plan. I felt like Carrie had her plan, Ezra had his plan, and I had my plan, which I felt would be the last one to be fulfilled. The only reason why it would be that way is because I am not used to speaking up for myself, or if I do speak up for myself, it comes out the wrong way and so the focus is on the delivery as opposed to the content.
I was getting anxious to leave because there wouldn't be the constant encouragement and support of the clinic staff. I would have to rely on Carrie ... would I be able to rely on her? I know in my head the obvious answer is yes, but I was still feeling nervous because even if I do have her support, we were going from having 5 people supporting me to 1 person supporting. The odds were not in my favor ... so I thought. The reality is that the one person that I need and have always had in my corner is Jesus. Carrie and everyone else is a bonus. I'm not just saying this because I have to, I am really learning to believe it ... and even if I don't fully understand or believe, that's where faith comes in. As I met with Dr. Tony for the last time, I felt the faith rising in me. When I first met with Dr. Tony, he said to me that I need to keep faith above fear because if fear is above faith, then we waver and start to shake. If we keep our faith above fear, then we can do anything. How do I keep faith above fear? Keeping my eyes on Jesus.
Over the last few hours, I was forgetting to do that ... and even as I have been away from the clinic, I have found myself losing sight of Jesus again. The good thing is that He is gracious and it's not dependent on me, but His grace. He knows that I am going to waver and if I didn't then I wouldn't need Him ... that's the whole point. We can never get it right on our own. That's why we are to abide in Him as it says in John 15. The great thing about the clinic was that there weren't too many distractions for me to keep me away from Jesus, but being away from the clinic, I am seeing how many distractions there are ... so many. Some are good and others not so good, but either way, a distraction is a distraction.
So, what am I to do? Go back and live at the clinic? Of course not. We are to move forward with treatments, vitamins, diet and emotional healing and then wait on Jesus for the healing. Before leaving New Hampshire, Nancy LeFevers said to me, I am not praying for healing for you anymore. I am giving God thanks for the healing He is giving you. Someone had said that to me before and I believed it for a short while, but because the pain wasn't going away, I dismissed it. Now that I have spent some time at the clinic and realized that I need to do some soul searching and allowing God to do some inner healing (emotionally and spiritually) first, I am expectant and thanking God for the healing work that He is doing in me.
How can I know that He is healing me? How can I know He is at work in me? Because of all the memories and words that have been triggered while I was at the clinic and while I have been visiting with family in California. As I was chatting with people at the clinic, I would constantly remember words or pictures that I had before coming to the clinic. I always dismissed them as random thoughts or words with no significance, but I realized as I was reading through the "recall healing" book that a lot of the things that I struggled with or the emotional scars that I had were connected to the words / thoughts I had from before. If you're reading this and this makes no sense, please email me and ask me about it. The amazing thing is that God was trying to speak to me before about some of the hurt I experienced in the past or the uncertainties I was feeling as I was growing up. Feelings of "not belonging" to "wanting to get out but feeling trapped." All these feelings and thoughts didn't make sense at the time and they were struggles of mine, but as I talked with Dr. Tony and others, those feelings and thoughts or at least why I was having them made sense. So, the amazing thing is that God was speaking to me about these things through His Holy Spirit, but the timing wasn't right for me to understand. I am thankful that the timing is better now and that I am starting to make sense of the past and taking steps toward a long and fun-filled life. I was surprised and relieved as I sat with Carrie in my last meeting with Dr. Tony and I laughed at his jokes. Not that he's not funny, but I usually don't laugh at jokes even though they are really funny. I'm thankful that God is loosening up my funny bone as well as the rest of my body. Hopefully as I deal with my past and dump the bad stuff, I will make great progress toward the future.
One of the many great things about our trip out here has been our time with my family ... actually our time in California. As we were leaving the clinic, we felt like minor celebrities because everyone was saying their good-bye's and giving hugs. It was a sad moment, but we know it was time for us to leave. So, Jesus took us to the border and we were a little late getting over, but it was perfect timing - the lines were short. We only had to wait half an hour as opposed to 2 hours. We picked up our equipment for continuing our treatments and then we went to pick up our rental car. It took us a while to find the Alamo station and finally when we found it, the guy was going to try to charge us $700 for the week ... we talked him down to $200 and he gave us an upgrade, so that was cool. Unfortunately, we still had a 2 hour drive ahead of us to get to my uncle's house. We got there and had a quick meal at souplantation and called it a night. The next day we met up with my aunt and cousin and then made our way up to my cousin Stephanie's.
After about 6 or 7 hours, we got to my cousins and camped out there. I have to say, that I didn't think it was worth the drive up to San Francisco, but now that we are here, I am so thankful that we are here. It's been such a blessing to be here. My cousin's family has been so welcoming and supportive of everything that we've needed and they have been so good with Ezra. I've actually learned some cool parenting tips from them. I wish I can say more right now, but the bottom line is that my time here in San Mateo (Hillsborough) has been awesome and a God send. I gotta go now and I hope to post again before we go home, but I am so thankful for all that God is doing and saying. Thank you, Lord.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Perfect timing ... Testify ... Perfect DJ ... Steam ... How much more?
Another day of treatment ... another day of new mercies and goodness. I woke up this morning feeling really cruddy. My back was sore in the same spot (left shoulder blade - a muscle gets really tight for some reason) and I didn't feel very energetic. I pulled it together and walked over to the clinic with Carrie and Ezra. The problem was that Carrie wasn't feeling too good either. She has been a little worried about the baby and whether or not everything is okay. If you read this, please pray for Carrie and the baby. Please pray that the baby is healthy and continues to grow properly in Carrie's womb. Thank you.
We got to the clinic and I didn't really want to eat very much, but I pushed through and went on to do my treatments. I've hit the auto-pilot stage, but unfortunately we are leaving on Wednesday. Anna-Maria was pointing out today that the time has gone by so fast. She couldn't believe that it has already been two weeks. I can't believe it either. Anyway, we knew the time would come that we would have to go back. So, not a lot of energy and I was literally falling asleep in some of my treatments because I was so tired. I was supposed to change my pain patch, but thought I would hold out for a little longer, but not a good idea. (I learned later that my pain med's is very addictive physically and psychologically, which is not good. Hopefully, the plan is to wean myself off of it completely.) Thank, God, for Carrie. As I said in my other blog, I wasn't feeling very good and in tears at times. Carrie was there for me even though she wasn't feeling very good. Holding my hand and encouraging me to hang in there. I was so thankful that Carrie was there at that moment. She stuck by me while I was doing my sauna treatment reading to me some of the things she was learning from the book she was reading about cancer. Basically, she was there at the right time and at the right place. Today was a lot of things happening at the right time at the right place.
So, I was at lunch today and normally I would have to sit on the side with Carrie and Ezra at a separate table because the other table is full with the other guests, but for some reason today Carrie and Ezra weren't at lunch and Jesse and Sonia were not there either. So, I sat with Richard, Ruth-Ann, Brenda, and Ted. As I sat, I felt compelled to share about what God is doing in me and my conversations with Dr. Tony. As I was testifying about the great things God has been showing me and revealing in me, I found my energy level going up. I found my spirit rising and being edified. Where did that come from? Was it because I just switched my pain patch a few minutes earlier? No. I totally believe the Holy Spirit was in agreement with me ... lifting my spirit as I was testifying of His goodness and His work in me. I learned this: Testify because it does my spirit good. God didn't have to lift my energy level or spirit. He could have left me, but He didn't. I was so encouraged by this and I hope the others were encouraged by it too. Either way, I learned a good lesson: Testify because it does the body good. I had a chance to talk to Jesse and Sonia later about what I shared at lunch and to encourage them to let God do His healing work on them. I hope and pray that God will do a great work in them.
As the day progressed, it was time for me to do my sono-therapy in the tub. Normally, the nurses will prep things for me, but there was only one nurse on staff today because one of the nurses, Teresita, went to the States with Paul and Elio to help with the at-home-program. This put a lot of pressure on Anna-Maria because she had to tend to four patients and different schedules and on top of this she had a staff meeting. Ugh. I didn't know this was going on, so I got on with setting up my treatment and thought if Anna shows up and can help, great. If not, I will do what I can do and not stress about it. I set the timer and got on with my ultra-sound therapy (sono). I was playing my music to keep me company (New Day albums) and I had it on shuffle as usual. What I have learned over the past week and a half is that God is the best DJ you can have. I know my iPod is random in selecting the song order, but I believe that God has a finger in all of this. All this week whether it's been song or sermon, the order has been perfect in what I needed to hear or not hear. Even the timing of songs finishing has been amazing. Anyway, as I was listening to my New Day music, I found myself praying out in tongues, worshipping God and just enjoying Him. I gave thanks for the boost in energy and how He is great in all He does. At that moment, I prayed that He would lead and guide me to where I should put the sensor on my body for maximum effectiveness. I was putting the sensor on spots longer and focusing on areas that I thought needed more attention. As the time progressed, I thought that I would try to see if I could reach my back so that I wouldn't need any help. No success. I stressed for a few seconds, but soon thought that it was okay. I purposefully chose not to stress about it and to let it go. If someone came to help, great. If not, that's okay. So, I prayed that I would do what I can and be satisfied with it.
The timer counted down and when there was 3 minutes and 20 seconds left, I heard the door open because the door was around the corner of the bathroom. It was Anna-Maria. She left her meeting early to come and give me help. What perfect timing? That's God. He's so good. When I chose to let it go and leave it to God, He was faithful and totally pulled it together. I didn't shout out for help, and there was Anna-Maria. She helped me finish the rest of the treatment and the other cool thing was that as I prayed that God would guide my hand while I was doing the treatment, I didn't mention anything about guiding other people as they were doing the treatment, but guess what happened? Anna-Maria focused a lot of attention on my left shoulder blade. The spot that was really sore and tight in the morning, which was a spot that I really wanted to focus on, but couldn't reach ... it was the very spot that Anna spent a lot of time. She didn't do the usual general brush strokes that everyone was doing, but she was doing tiny circles in the area ... spending a lot of time in the area. How cool is that? I was totally blown away ... seriously. Answer to prayer. Right there and then. Thank you, God.
I was thinking in the tub about how great God is and the verse came to mind, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" What a great God we serve. As I am writing this, I know that I am still working out my insecurities and incomplete understanding of grace, but I sit encouraged that God is at work in me to reveal to me not only His greatness but how much He loves me and how I can grow in my relationship with Him. That is my prayer - grow in my walk with Him. More than anything, I want to have a close and intimate walk with Jesus. Not out of duty. Not out of anything but a desire to love Him and to know Him.
Why? Because of what happened after my son0-therapy session. I decided to do my infra-red treatment after my son0-therapy. The infra-red treatment is a basically an infra-red lamp shown on my target spots (chest and neck). There was nothing new today about the treatment except for what happened. I don't know if you have heard of "gold-dust" or other weird sensations that are associated with the holy spirit, but my experience today felt like and reminded me of one of those situations.
I had the lamp pointed at my chest and as it was shining on my chest, I started to see steam rise from my chest. Now, before I started, I tried as best as I could to get all the water off of me. There was no moisture on my chest when I started, but for some reason steam was rising from my chest. The first thought that came to mind was: God, are you burning the cancer from my lungs? I didn't feel a burning sensation, but I felt the warmth of the lamp and there was no denying the fact that there was steam (or what looked like smoke) coming up from my chest. I found a lot of encouragement from this because I have been praying that my time at the clinic would end with major healing or signs of His work in me. I wish I could have taken a picture, but I can still see the steam rising. Again, thank you, God, for what you are doing and even the little signs to encourage me along the way. I am praying in faith that God will uproot all that needs to be uprooted and heal completely for His glory and praise.
We got to the clinic and I didn't really want to eat very much, but I pushed through and went on to do my treatments. I've hit the auto-pilot stage, but unfortunately we are leaving on Wednesday. Anna-Maria was pointing out today that the time has gone by so fast. She couldn't believe that it has already been two weeks. I can't believe it either. Anyway, we knew the time would come that we would have to go back. So, not a lot of energy and I was literally falling asleep in some of my treatments because I was so tired. I was supposed to change my pain patch, but thought I would hold out for a little longer, but not a good idea. (I learned later that my pain med's is very addictive physically and psychologically, which is not good. Hopefully, the plan is to wean myself off of it completely.) Thank, God, for Carrie. As I said in my other blog, I wasn't feeling very good and in tears at times. Carrie was there for me even though she wasn't feeling very good. Holding my hand and encouraging me to hang in there. I was so thankful that Carrie was there at that moment. She stuck by me while I was doing my sauna treatment reading to me some of the things she was learning from the book she was reading about cancer. Basically, she was there at the right time and at the right place. Today was a lot of things happening at the right time at the right place.
So, I was at lunch today and normally I would have to sit on the side with Carrie and Ezra at a separate table because the other table is full with the other guests, but for some reason today Carrie and Ezra weren't at lunch and Jesse and Sonia were not there either. So, I sat with Richard, Ruth-Ann, Brenda, and Ted. As I sat, I felt compelled to share about what God is doing in me and my conversations with Dr. Tony. As I was testifying about the great things God has been showing me and revealing in me, I found my energy level going up. I found my spirit rising and being edified. Where did that come from? Was it because I just switched my pain patch a few minutes earlier? No. I totally believe the Holy Spirit was in agreement with me ... lifting my spirit as I was testifying of His goodness and His work in me. I learned this: Testify because it does my spirit good. God didn't have to lift my energy level or spirit. He could have left me, but He didn't. I was so encouraged by this and I hope the others were encouraged by it too. Either way, I learned a good lesson: Testify because it does the body good. I had a chance to talk to Jesse and Sonia later about what I shared at lunch and to encourage them to let God do His healing work on them. I hope and pray that God will do a great work in them.
As the day progressed, it was time for me to do my sono-therapy in the tub. Normally, the nurses will prep things for me, but there was only one nurse on staff today because one of the nurses, Teresita, went to the States with Paul and Elio to help with the at-home-program. This put a lot of pressure on Anna-Maria because she had to tend to four patients and different schedules and on top of this she had a staff meeting. Ugh. I didn't know this was going on, so I got on with setting up my treatment and thought if Anna shows up and can help, great. If not, I will do what I can do and not stress about it. I set the timer and got on with my ultra-sound therapy (sono). I was playing my music to keep me company (New Day albums) and I had it on shuffle as usual. What I have learned over the past week and a half is that God is the best DJ you can have. I know my iPod is random in selecting the song order, but I believe that God has a finger in all of this. All this week whether it's been song or sermon, the order has been perfect in what I needed to hear or not hear. Even the timing of songs finishing has been amazing. Anyway, as I was listening to my New Day music, I found myself praying out in tongues, worshipping God and just enjoying Him. I gave thanks for the boost in energy and how He is great in all He does. At that moment, I prayed that He would lead and guide me to where I should put the sensor on my body for maximum effectiveness. I was putting the sensor on spots longer and focusing on areas that I thought needed more attention. As the time progressed, I thought that I would try to see if I could reach my back so that I wouldn't need any help. No success. I stressed for a few seconds, but soon thought that it was okay. I purposefully chose not to stress about it and to let it go. If someone came to help, great. If not, that's okay. So, I prayed that I would do what I can and be satisfied with it.
The timer counted down and when there was 3 minutes and 20 seconds left, I heard the door open because the door was around the corner of the bathroom. It was Anna-Maria. She left her meeting early to come and give me help. What perfect timing? That's God. He's so good. When I chose to let it go and leave it to God, He was faithful and totally pulled it together. I didn't shout out for help, and there was Anna-Maria. She helped me finish the rest of the treatment and the other cool thing was that as I prayed that God would guide my hand while I was doing the treatment, I didn't mention anything about guiding other people as they were doing the treatment, but guess what happened? Anna-Maria focused a lot of attention on my left shoulder blade. The spot that was really sore and tight in the morning, which was a spot that I really wanted to focus on, but couldn't reach ... it was the very spot that Anna spent a lot of time. She didn't do the usual general brush strokes that everyone was doing, but she was doing tiny circles in the area ... spending a lot of time in the area. How cool is that? I was totally blown away ... seriously. Answer to prayer. Right there and then. Thank you, God.
I was thinking in the tub about how great God is and the verse came to mind, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" What a great God we serve. As I am writing this, I know that I am still working out my insecurities and incomplete understanding of grace, but I sit encouraged that God is at work in me to reveal to me not only His greatness but how much He loves me and how I can grow in my relationship with Him. That is my prayer - grow in my walk with Him. More than anything, I want to have a close and intimate walk with Jesus. Not out of duty. Not out of anything but a desire to love Him and to know Him.
Why? Because of what happened after my son0-therapy session. I decided to do my infra-red treatment after my son0-therapy. The infra-red treatment is a basically an infra-red lamp shown on my target spots (chest and neck). There was nothing new today about the treatment except for what happened. I don't know if you have heard of "gold-dust" or other weird sensations that are associated with the holy spirit, but my experience today felt like and reminded me of one of those situations.
I had the lamp pointed at my chest and as it was shining on my chest, I started to see steam rise from my chest. Now, before I started, I tried as best as I could to get all the water off of me. There was no moisture on my chest when I started, but for some reason steam was rising from my chest. The first thought that came to mind was: God, are you burning the cancer from my lungs? I didn't feel a burning sensation, but I felt the warmth of the lamp and there was no denying the fact that there was steam (or what looked like smoke) coming up from my chest. I found a lot of encouragement from this because I have been praying that my time at the clinic would end with major healing or signs of His work in me. I wish I could have taken a picture, but I can still see the steam rising. Again, thank you, God, for what you are doing and even the little signs to encourage me along the way. I am praying in faith that God will uproot all that needs to be uprooted and heal completely for His glory and praise.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Jealous ... love my wife ... community
So, this is from yesterday but I didn't have time to write about it until right now. I realized that I am jealous of my son. Why? Because he gets the best and the most of my wife (attention, time, and energy). I was always wondering why it was that I would get frustrated with Ezra so quickly and it dawned on me yesterday as I was doing my treatments that I subconsciously was jealous of my 2 and a half year old son, which sounds ridiculous, and that's why I always dismissed it, but as it was Valentine's day yesterday, I was thinking about how much I love Carrie and wished I could spend more time with her but didn't because she was or is tending to Ezra. Morning, afternoon and night, she is tending to him in some way or another.
I hope as you are reading this that you don't think that I am saying that I don't love my son or that I don't want my son. I love my son and we actually had a nice day yesterday and today, but what I am trying to say is that I am jealous of my wife's time and attention, which is very similar to how God feels about us. In the old testament, God describes Himself as being a jealous God of Israel, his beloved. I remember the first time I heard this was in high school. My friend, who was not a Christian at the time, said he couldn't believe in a god who displayed silly human emotions like jealousy. At the time, I couldn't believe that something like that could keep a person from believing in God. I would have thought that would be the very thing that would drive someone to believe. To think that God, the creator of the universe, is jealous of our time and attention. He doesn't want us to follow a to-do list or "setting up a time" to meet with Him. He wants us to eagerly desire time with Him and to enjoy our time with Him.
That's what I want with Him, my wife and my son (and soon to be second child). I so want to be jealous of their time that I can't get enough of them. I love them so much and I realize that I can't be with them at all times and I have to share my time, but if I can have as much time with them, I will be happy.
Which leads me to my other revelation yesterday. Carrie would often say to me that she is tired of doing things by herself or with other people besides me. I understood what she was saying, but I didn't fully understand what she was saying until yesterday. I was getting a sense of what she was talking about, but didn't think it was a big deal because I was around and thought that was good enough ... wrong. This past week and half, I have had to do a lot of the treatments on my own, but typically partners will come to assist in the treatments so they can learn how to do it to help when it's time to go home. We had to bring Ezra with us, so Carrie has not been able to be by my side the whole time for the treatments or meetings, which is okay, but God has been revealing to me how Carrie had been feeling in the past. Lonely.
I know there were times that I had to be alone so that I could sort out things with God in prayer, song or weeping alone, but there have also been times where I am so glad that Carrie has been there with me. Like this morning. I was feeling down and sore to the point of tears and every time I looked at Carrie I would start to cry. I don't know why, but it was so good to have Carrie there with me. God is definitely unlocking some emotions that I have had bottled up for a long time. So, getting back to yesterday, I was doing my treatments as usual by myself and I realized that I hated being alone. As I said before, some times it was good for me to be alone, but to be alone the whole time was not cool. As I finished up my treatments for the afternoon, I decided to head back to the hotel. I took the long way so that I could see the park that Carrie, Ezra and Ted walked to and I found loads of people out and about because the weather was gorgeous and it was Valentine's day so people were out celebrating. It was like a big huge festival as Carrie described it. So that much more I was missing Carrie. God revealed to me that what I was missing was one of the core things that we were talking about at church a few weeks ago: Community. God made us to be in community. We need His word and prayer, but the other key element to life is community. I was missing it. My core community while we have been down here has been Carrie and Ezra. My community has grown through Dr. Tony, Anna-Maria, Teresita, Eddie, Paul, Elio, George, Sergio, Jesus, George, Aida, Donnie, etc. but nothing matches my wife and son. I was so eager to see them that I found myself walking faster and faster to get to the hotel to see them. I got to the hotel just in time because Carrie was leaving the hotel because she didn't get my message I sent her. God is so good. I could have shown up and she would have been gone and we would have spent time getting frustrated and stressed looking for each other, but we bumped into each other at just the right time.
We went from the hotel and walked to the beach to watch Ezra play in the sand, hang out and watch the sun set. It was a good day. I love my wife. I don't do a great job showing it to her, but I hope and pray that she would know that I love her just for who she is. Thank you, God, for my family.
I hope as you are reading this that you don't think that I am saying that I don't love my son or that I don't want my son. I love my son and we actually had a nice day yesterday and today, but what I am trying to say is that I am jealous of my wife's time and attention, which is very similar to how God feels about us. In the old testament, God describes Himself as being a jealous God of Israel, his beloved. I remember the first time I heard this was in high school. My friend, who was not a Christian at the time, said he couldn't believe in a god who displayed silly human emotions like jealousy. At the time, I couldn't believe that something like that could keep a person from believing in God. I would have thought that would be the very thing that would drive someone to believe. To think that God, the creator of the universe, is jealous of our time and attention. He doesn't want us to follow a to-do list or "setting up a time" to meet with Him. He wants us to eagerly desire time with Him and to enjoy our time with Him.
That's what I want with Him, my wife and my son (and soon to be second child). I so want to be jealous of their time that I can't get enough of them. I love them so much and I realize that I can't be with them at all times and I have to share my time, but if I can have as much time with them, I will be happy.
Which leads me to my other revelation yesterday. Carrie would often say to me that she is tired of doing things by herself or with other people besides me. I understood what she was saying, but I didn't fully understand what she was saying until yesterday. I was getting a sense of what she was talking about, but didn't think it was a big deal because I was around and thought that was good enough ... wrong. This past week and half, I have had to do a lot of the treatments on my own, but typically partners will come to assist in the treatments so they can learn how to do it to help when it's time to go home. We had to bring Ezra with us, so Carrie has not been able to be by my side the whole time for the treatments or meetings, which is okay, but God has been revealing to me how Carrie had been feeling in the past. Lonely.
I know there were times that I had to be alone so that I could sort out things with God in prayer, song or weeping alone, but there have also been times where I am so glad that Carrie has been there with me. Like this morning. I was feeling down and sore to the point of tears and every time I looked at Carrie I would start to cry. I don't know why, but it was so good to have Carrie there with me. God is definitely unlocking some emotions that I have had bottled up for a long time. So, getting back to yesterday, I was doing my treatments as usual by myself and I realized that I hated being alone. As I said before, some times it was good for me to be alone, but to be alone the whole time was not cool. As I finished up my treatments for the afternoon, I decided to head back to the hotel. I took the long way so that I could see the park that Carrie, Ezra and Ted walked to and I found loads of people out and about because the weather was gorgeous and it was Valentine's day so people were out celebrating. It was like a big huge festival as Carrie described it. So that much more I was missing Carrie. God revealed to me that what I was missing was one of the core things that we were talking about at church a few weeks ago: Community. God made us to be in community. We need His word and prayer, but the other key element to life is community. I was missing it. My core community while we have been down here has been Carrie and Ezra. My community has grown through Dr. Tony, Anna-Maria, Teresita, Eddie, Paul, Elio, George, Sergio, Jesus, George, Aida, Donnie, etc. but nothing matches my wife and son. I was so eager to see them that I found myself walking faster and faster to get to the hotel to see them. I got to the hotel just in time because Carrie was leaving the hotel because she didn't get my message I sent her. God is so good. I could have shown up and she would have been gone and we would have spent time getting frustrated and stressed looking for each other, but we bumped into each other at just the right time.
We went from the hotel and walked to the beach to watch Ezra play in the sand, hang out and watch the sun set. It was a good day. I love my wife. I don't do a great job showing it to her, but I hope and pray that she would know that I love her just for who she is. Thank you, God, for my family.
Carrie
So, my wife, Carrie, says to me. I see you have posted a lot to your blog and you've written about a lot of other people, but what about me? I didn't have anything to say because she's right. Why not anything about her? The strange thing is that I'm always thankful for her and saying it to other people, but I forget to say it to her. I assume sometimes that she hears me when I say it to other people, but she doesn't.
Carrie has seriously been the best gift to me on this earth. I'm not just saying that because this post is about her. She takes care of almost everything in our house. I still catch the mice and the shrews in the basement, but she pretty much does everything else and for the most part never says anything about it. Now, does she personally enjoy doing that stuff just for herself? Maybe, but I also know that she does it to make sure that I am comfortable and relatively stress free. She is always thinking and serving others. I unfortunately hold her back. If I wasn't on the scene, I could see her doing a lot more to serve the church and the community around us. She, as Bob, the chiropractor, said is "resilient and a tough cookie. You got a good one there." He's right. I got a good one.
She's tended to Ezra and even though she's pregnant, feeling tired, with a headache or cramps, she presses on in the day-to-day stuff and she does it well. I wish I had the fight for life she did. I bet if I did, I would be doing a lot better right now, but I'm not going to focus on that. We are all different and I'm so glad she is different from me. She pushes me / encourages me to press on when I don't feel like it. She argues with me and sticks to her guns especially when I am not thinking clearly. It is going to be interesting in the next few months as I try to work things out spiritually and physically. I want to be better for her and Ezra, but it's going to be an adjustment for the two of us. Either way, I am so thankful for her. She is my rock on top of The Rock.
Carrie has seriously been the best gift to me on this earth. I'm not just saying that because this post is about her. She takes care of almost everything in our house. I still catch the mice and the shrews in the basement, but she pretty much does everything else and for the most part never says anything about it. Now, does she personally enjoy doing that stuff just for herself? Maybe, but I also know that she does it to make sure that I am comfortable and relatively stress free. She is always thinking and serving others. I unfortunately hold her back. If I wasn't on the scene, I could see her doing a lot more to serve the church and the community around us. She, as Bob, the chiropractor, said is "resilient and a tough cookie. You got a good one there." He's right. I got a good one.
She's tended to Ezra and even though she's pregnant, feeling tired, with a headache or cramps, she presses on in the day-to-day stuff and she does it well. I wish I had the fight for life she did. I bet if I did, I would be doing a lot better right now, but I'm not going to focus on that. We are all different and I'm so glad she is different from me. She pushes me / encourages me to press on when I don't feel like it. She argues with me and sticks to her guns especially when I am not thinking clearly. It is going to be interesting in the next few months as I try to work things out spiritually and physically. I want to be better for her and Ezra, but it's going to be an adjustment for the two of us. Either way, I am so thankful for her. She is my rock on top of The Rock.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Puerto nuevo lobster here we come
Today, Saturday, was the day we went to get some lobsters, langostas. It was good, but a long day. I pounded out most of my treatments in the morning because I got there early and then had a full day going around Puerto Nuevo and Rosalito. Jesus took us around and we treated him to lunch with us at the Villa Ortegas ... a bit pricey, but good. The crazy thing is that Carrie mentioned it that everywhere we go here there is literally someone trying to sell us some kind of service. Thankfully, we haven't confronted any shady services yet, but fingers crossed we never come across it.
I'm not a huge lobster fan and so to go and have lobster was not my cup of tea, but I knew it was going to be a great day for weather and it would be fun to go and do something different. I think Carrie had a good time. We stopped by one of the original hotels in Rosalito and the market. Carrie kind of bartered with the people and got some nice things for herself, her mom, her sister-in-law and her friend. Overall, it's been a long but good day. I was glad to go out and enjoy the weather, but we are all pooped. Going to go to bed soon, but not until I write my last blog of the night.
I'm not a huge lobster fan and so to go and have lobster was not my cup of tea, but I knew it was going to be a great day for weather and it would be fun to go and do something different. I think Carrie had a good time. We stopped by one of the original hotels in Rosalito and the market. Carrie kind of bartered with the people and got some nice things for herself, her mom, her sister-in-law and her friend. Overall, it's been a long but good day. I was glad to go out and enjoy the weather, but we are all pooped. Going to go to bed soon, but not until I write my last blog of the night.
Relax. Don't stress out about it
So, the big themes have been think positive, I can beat this, nutrition, therapies, and relax. I know that the culture here is more relaxed and easy going, but it definitely is necessary in life to relax and to let things go. I was talking to Sergio, one of the tech's at the clinic and he was telling me about his times he would have to drive up to California to go to work. Sometimes 3 hours in the car. Not cool. That's just to cross the border to go to work and then the same thing on the way back home. Could you imagine spending most or all of your life in your car? I would go crazy. So, one of the things that Sergio learned over the years is to relax and be patient. If things don't go according to plan, don't stress about it. There's nothing you can do about it and even if you can, the less you stress about it, the better.
So, after talking to him, I feel a sense of motivation to follow through with this, right? I was doing well until I came to the hotel with Carrie and Ezra to take a nap. All morning I was banging out my treatments because I was getting into a routine since my schedule is pretty much the same each day. It's Friday, no random unexpected meetings with doctors or other people and so what do I do? Come home for a nap with Carrie and Ezra. The problem is that I found out that the maintenance workers of the hotel like to do their major work at that time. Not cool. They are banging and clanging their tools and stuff and I am stressing out. All I wanted was to go to sleep and if you know me, I love my sleep. So, there I am trying to sleep but I can't. Carrie asks to switch places with me because she has to go to the bathroom so I am now patting Ezra's back to help him settle from all the noise. Things are not going to plan. Big time. The other thing that happens is that Ezra had an accident in his sleep. He's been potty trained for a while now, but just this week he's had two major accidents. Once while he was at the grocery store with Carrie (pee'd on mommy) :( and once during his nap. So, not good. On top of this, I'm running late getting back to the clinic for my last few treatments. We stop by the office and get everything settled for the sheets and the mat, but I felt like I was going to explode. Everything worked out alright in the end, but for some reason at the immediate moment, I felt like I was going to lose it. Why? Why can't I just let things go? I don't know, but I know for sure one thing is that I don't like extra work. I calculate how much I need to do and if I have to do extra, then I stress out because I don't know if I will have enough energy or time to get everything done ... that reminds me of something Dr. Tony talked about my parotid gland and connecting it to the squirrel and harvesting. I will try to explain more about the harvesting bit in another blog, but I am starting to make some connections with my conversations with Dr. Tony.
Anyway, bottom line: I'm not changed yet. I am not a smooth sailing, easy going, cool cat yet, but I am working towards it.
So, after talking to him, I feel a sense of motivation to follow through with this, right? I was doing well until I came to the hotel with Carrie and Ezra to take a nap. All morning I was banging out my treatments because I was getting into a routine since my schedule is pretty much the same each day. It's Friday, no random unexpected meetings with doctors or other people and so what do I do? Come home for a nap with Carrie and Ezra. The problem is that I found out that the maintenance workers of the hotel like to do their major work at that time. Not cool. They are banging and clanging their tools and stuff and I am stressing out. All I wanted was to go to sleep and if you know me, I love my sleep. So, there I am trying to sleep but I can't. Carrie asks to switch places with me because she has to go to the bathroom so I am now patting Ezra's back to help him settle from all the noise. Things are not going to plan. Big time. The other thing that happens is that Ezra had an accident in his sleep. He's been potty trained for a while now, but just this week he's had two major accidents. Once while he was at the grocery store with Carrie (pee'd on mommy) :( and once during his nap. So, not good. On top of this, I'm running late getting back to the clinic for my last few treatments. We stop by the office and get everything settled for the sheets and the mat, but I felt like I was going to explode. Everything worked out alright in the end, but for some reason at the immediate moment, I felt like I was going to lose it. Why? Why can't I just let things go? I don't know, but I know for sure one thing is that I don't like extra work. I calculate how much I need to do and if I have to do extra, then I stress out because I don't know if I will have enough energy or time to get everything done ... that reminds me of something Dr. Tony talked about my parotid gland and connecting it to the squirrel and harvesting. I will try to explain more about the harvesting bit in another blog, but I am starting to make some connections with my conversations with Dr. Tony.
Anyway, bottom line: I'm not changed yet. I am not a smooth sailing, easy going, cool cat yet, but I am working towards it.
Good father
So, what does it mean to be a good father? With all this physical and spiritual healing stuff that I am experiencing here at the clinic, one of the things that has come up is my father and how I feel as a father. In my letter to my father, I wrote how I don't know how to be a father because I never had a father. I know that God is my spiritual father and He will love me no matter what because of what Jesus has done on the cross, but how do I live it out physically. How do I not get frustrated and want to shout out of frustration when my son doesn't listen to me or when he talks back to me. I know my kid is only 2 and a half, but it still upsets me when he doesn't listen to me ... actually it really boils down to things not going my way or the way I planned. If you are reading this and you are a parent, you're probably thinking, "welcome to the club. life with kids never goes the way we plan it and if it does, are we controlling our kids' lives a little too much?"
So, I'm feeling down about being a father and I am in the Sono-therapy tub. Anna-Maria, one of the nurses, is helping me with the therapy and as usual, I am making small talk with her. For some reason, God, we start talking about Ezra. She says how great of a kid he is and I said something along the lines of "you probably say that about everyone's kid." She said that she doesn't and she knows from the few days that we've been here that I am a good father as well. I asked her how she could say that when she saw me discipline Ezra the other night and I just told her how I get frustrated with Ezra. She reminded me that all parents get frustrated with their kids, but she said from what she has seen of us and how Ezra behaves, she knows that we are good parents. She said the key is to keep telling Ezra that Jesus loves him, we love him and we do things because we love him.
I don't know what it was about that moment, God, but I was so encouraged. I am still struggling with dealing with Ezra, but I am determined to change things around. I know I can only do this with the help of the Holy Spirit and even though I mess up and get it wrong, His grace covers over me and my family. Thank God for that.
So, I'm feeling down about being a father and I am in the Sono-therapy tub. Anna-Maria, one of the nurses, is helping me with the therapy and as usual, I am making small talk with her. For some reason, God, we start talking about Ezra. She says how great of a kid he is and I said something along the lines of "you probably say that about everyone's kid." She said that she doesn't and she knows from the few days that we've been here that I am a good father as well. I asked her how she could say that when she saw me discipline Ezra the other night and I just told her how I get frustrated with Ezra. She reminded me that all parents get frustrated with their kids, but she said from what she has seen of us and how Ezra behaves, she knows that we are good parents. She said the key is to keep telling Ezra that Jesus loves him, we love him and we do things because we love him.
I don't know what it was about that moment, God, but I was so encouraged. I am still struggling with dealing with Ezra, but I am determined to change things around. I know I can only do this with the help of the Holy Spirit and even though I mess up and get it wrong, His grace covers over me and my family. Thank God for that.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Thursday
So, I talked to Dr. Tony today and hopefully we (Carrie, Ezra and I) will be going to Puerto Nuevo on Saturday to get some famous Puerto Nuevo lobsters, rice, beans, and all the tortillas you could eat. Hopefully we will learn how to barter with the folks and get some cool souvenirs. Fingers crossed. :)
Anyway, met with Dr. Tony to talk about my letter to my dad. He asked me to write a letter to my dad to release some hurt or past trauma. It was not what I expected ... I was hoping for more, but the good is that Dr. Tony felt that we accomplished something today and that we will see some results. We cut off some generational stuff (3 generations from the bible) and he says that my mom will be blessed through this as well.
The really cool thing is that at the end of the session I asked to pray with Dr. Tony ... I meant to pray with him at the beginning, but I forgot. It was pretty cool. I felt the presence of the holy spirit as we were praying and I felt that God was doing something. Dr. Tony shared how he didn't want to push the prayer / Christian stuff on us as we met and was so happy that I asked. It was very cool. Prayed blessings on each other and it was really encouraging.
The whole session I was pretty much sharing how God was speaking and encouraging me to be an inside-out Christian and to really work on my relationship with Him. Lord, thank you for all your grace and mercy. What would we do without you?
Anyway, met with Dr. Tony to talk about my letter to my dad. He asked me to write a letter to my dad to release some hurt or past trauma. It was not what I expected ... I was hoping for more, but the good is that Dr. Tony felt that we accomplished something today and that we will see some results. We cut off some generational stuff (3 generations from the bible) and he says that my mom will be blessed through this as well.
The really cool thing is that at the end of the session I asked to pray with Dr. Tony ... I meant to pray with him at the beginning, but I forgot. It was pretty cool. I felt the presence of the holy spirit as we were praying and I felt that God was doing something. Dr. Tony shared how he didn't want to push the prayer / Christian stuff on us as we met and was so happy that I asked. It was very cool. Prayed blessings on each other and it was really encouraging.
The whole session I was pretty much sharing how God was speaking and encouraging me to be an inside-out Christian and to really work on my relationship with Him. Lord, thank you for all your grace and mercy. What would we do without you?
Tuesday / Wednesday
So, I am making progress and as I said to the ladies at the clinic ... I feel like a machine. I am getting used to all the treatments and the schedule that I am going from one treatment to the next and doing the full time for most treatments. The only one that I am still having trouble with is the sauna. I'm getting there, but not there yet.
Tuesday was a great day. I forgot to share about the muscle pain that I have been experiencing ... since starting the treatments, I have been experiencing muscle pain in my upper chest and back area. I found out that one of the reasons for my anxiousness is because we cut my pain med's down too much too fast and one of the sleep pills that they were giving me must have been giving me an allergic reaction. I have stopped with the sleep pill and guess what ... I didn't have as much pain as I was having before. I still have some soreness and pain, but not as much as when I took the sleep pill.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night and I found the answer to my restlessness in Romans. I read through all of Romans and I remembered why I love Romans so much. Romans 10:9. That was what I was looking for. I was listening to a Tim Keller message earlier in the day and it was all about being an inside-out Christian. That message really blessed and encouraged me. I am still in the process of fully embracing it, but I think I am 99.9999% there.
Which brings me to today. Another attack. The day was going fine. Like a machine I was going through all my treatments and I was getting ready to meet with Dr. Tony to go over my letter and to do some cleaning house, but there were several new patients who came to the clinic in the past couple of days and so he had to meet with them first. On top of that, other people went to meet him at their normal times, but I didn't get a chance to meet with Dr. Tony. In all honesty, I was really angry because I waited around all day to meet with him and forewent doing other things because I didn't want to miss my appointment. To make it up, Dr. Tony came and said that he wll give me an extended session tomorrow, but this was an interesting test. My problem is that I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. Carrie can testify to that, but one of the things that came up in some of the sessions with Dr. Tony is that I need to let go of a lot of things ... the whole hoarding issue came up (good and bad) and I need to do something about it.
Will I forgive and forget this? I'm sure I will but the weird thing is that all kinds of things that God wants me to sort out is coming up. i.e. being kinder to Carrie, being more patient with Ezra, learning to let things go and not hold onto bitterness. It's funny how God will put us to the test so that we can learn and grow from life experiences (big or small).
So, I had to meet with Pam today to talk about home-program stuff and that caught me off guard and threw off my schedule today, which is another lesson I have to learn - learning to adjust and relaxing when my schedule gets thrown off. It's not her fault and it was good to meet, but everything was out of sorts for me. Overall, the day just felt weird. Maybe it was because I was supposed to meet with Dr. Tony to do some cleaning house (spiritually). Either way, I lost it by the time I got to the hotel and tonight was the first time we tried to do a treatment on our own (Coffee Enema). I ended up burning my insides ... hopefully all is well in the morning, but the bad is that I lost it with Carrie and Ezra. I really don't like how the enemy tries to mess things up ... or how God tries to teach us patience, faith or other important life lessons through life experiences. Don't get me wrong ... I am so thankful that God is giving me those lessons, but I get frustrated with myself because I still am not handling them very well. That's why I am so thankful for His grace. What would we be or where would we be if we did not have the mercy of God to fall on? Anyway, I've caught us up and for sure there is more to share and talk about, but that's it for right now. I have to go to sleep or at least try ... it's another full day today (it's 12:46am my time).
Tuesday was a great day. I forgot to share about the muscle pain that I have been experiencing ... since starting the treatments, I have been experiencing muscle pain in my upper chest and back area. I found out that one of the reasons for my anxiousness is because we cut my pain med's down too much too fast and one of the sleep pills that they were giving me must have been giving me an allergic reaction. I have stopped with the sleep pill and guess what ... I didn't have as much pain as I was having before. I still have some soreness and pain, but not as much as when I took the sleep pill.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night and I found the answer to my restlessness in Romans. I read through all of Romans and I remembered why I love Romans so much. Romans 10:9. That was what I was looking for. I was listening to a Tim Keller message earlier in the day and it was all about being an inside-out Christian. That message really blessed and encouraged me. I am still in the process of fully embracing it, but I think I am 99.9999% there.
Which brings me to today. Another attack. The day was going fine. Like a machine I was going through all my treatments and I was getting ready to meet with Dr. Tony to go over my letter and to do some cleaning house, but there were several new patients who came to the clinic in the past couple of days and so he had to meet with them first. On top of that, other people went to meet him at their normal times, but I didn't get a chance to meet with Dr. Tony. In all honesty, I was really angry because I waited around all day to meet with him and forewent doing other things because I didn't want to miss my appointment. To make it up, Dr. Tony came and said that he wll give me an extended session tomorrow, but this was an interesting test. My problem is that I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. Carrie can testify to that, but one of the things that came up in some of the sessions with Dr. Tony is that I need to let go of a lot of things ... the whole hoarding issue came up (good and bad) and I need to do something about it.
Will I forgive and forget this? I'm sure I will but the weird thing is that all kinds of things that God wants me to sort out is coming up. i.e. being kinder to Carrie, being more patient with Ezra, learning to let things go and not hold onto bitterness. It's funny how God will put us to the test so that we can learn and grow from life experiences (big or small).
So, I had to meet with Pam today to talk about home-program stuff and that caught me off guard and threw off my schedule today, which is another lesson I have to learn - learning to adjust and relaxing when my schedule gets thrown off. It's not her fault and it was good to meet, but everything was out of sorts for me. Overall, the day just felt weird. Maybe it was because I was supposed to meet with Dr. Tony to do some cleaning house (spiritually). Either way, I lost it by the time I got to the hotel and tonight was the first time we tried to do a treatment on our own (Coffee Enema). I ended up burning my insides ... hopefully all is well in the morning, but the bad is that I lost it with Carrie and Ezra. I really don't like how the enemy tries to mess things up ... or how God tries to teach us patience, faith or other important life lessons through life experiences. Don't get me wrong ... I am so thankful that God is giving me those lessons, but I get frustrated with myself because I still am not handling them very well. That's why I am so thankful for His grace. What would we be or where would we be if we did not have the mercy of God to fall on? Anyway, I've caught us up and for sure there is more to share and talk about, but that's it for right now. I have to go to sleep or at least try ... it's another full day today (it's 12:46am my time).
Project Purpose and the letter
So, I met with Dr. Tony and Carrie and we started to talk about healing spiritually and how it's important to identify past hurts and to make a plan for the future. He mentioned how the psychic feeds the brain and the brain feeds the body and so if we get the psychic programmed right then the rest will fall into place. This goes back to what everyone has been saying to me ... get rid of negative thoughts / stress because it is not helping and think positively because I need to rewire my thinking. I know that there is more to just thinking positively, but we do what we think and if what I am thinking is not good, then it does me no good. It's like when Jesus was saying to have an angry thought about someone is the same as killing that someone. To God it's all the same, so I am trying to think positively ... it's not coming very easily ... please pray that God will really rewire my thinking to be more positive and not just airy fairy thinking, but productive, kind, peaceful thoughts.
As we were talking with Dr. Tony, all sorts of stuff came out and a few major points that he asked me to think and pray about was the time I was in my mother's womb, my father's accident and lack of presence in my life. He asked me to write a letter to my dad as a cathartic way of releasing any hurt that I may have. I wrote the letter and haven't had my session yet with Dr. Tony but I hope it works. Anyway, things were starting to turn. I was feeling better ... feeling like I was connecting with God ... enjoying his presence ... and making progress.
As we were talking with Dr. Tony, all sorts of stuff came out and a few major points that he asked me to think and pray about was the time I was in my mother's womb, my father's accident and lack of presence in my life. He asked me to write a letter to my dad as a cathartic way of releasing any hurt that I may have. I wrote the letter and haven't had my session yet with Dr. Tony but I hope it works. Anyway, things were starting to turn. I was feeling better ... feeling like I was connecting with God ... enjoying his presence ... and making progress.
Anna-Maria
So, Sunday was good even though I didn't get to go to Dr. Tony's church or any church, but that's okay. I had my private times with God in my sessions. I felt bad for Carrie because I don't remember if the weather had gotten better yet, but she's pretty much been a trooper taking care of Ezra and entertaining him. She's been going around everywhere with him ... mommy's little buddy, who has been named, "little Sam." Ezra has won the hearts of all the people here at the clinic. Just today, one of the ladies said to me, "we all just got our high fives from little Sam."
So, as much as Carrie has been a trooper I have been worrying about her because she doesn't speak Spanish very well. She's been able to get around and find things, but none-the-less I worry (just in case you didn't know). Anyway, she's definitely finding her feet and we have found a way to communicate with each other while we are separated ... we'll email each other - she has the computer and I have my iPod Touch. If you read this before we get back home and you pray, please pray that Carrie and Ezra continue to find things to do, the weather would be nice for them to be outside to do things, and to essentially have a great time. They have been making it work, but I don't know how Carrie does it. She has had her moments of frustration, but overall she has been a trooper ... funny thing is that Bob and the others at the clinic pointed that out to me. They were saying how resilient and solid Carrie is. I'm so thankful for her.
Anyway, I think we are up to Monday now. Anna-Maria is one of the older nurses here and she is a believer. One of the other nurses, Teresita, is a believer as well. Anyway, Anna-Maria was helping me with my Sono therapy (ultra-sound) and I was sharing with her how I had a tough few days over the weekend and how I was really tired and sad that I couldn't make it through all the treatments. She said to me, "don't worry if you can't finish the full time. do as much as you can because as much as you are here for treatment, you are here to rest and relax. It is better for you to do half the time and be relaxed then to do the full time and not be relaxed." That was another breakthrough. I was getting so stressed from thinking that I have to do things a certain way or to prove that I can do things, but God was saying, "no ... take your time and rest."
So, I did. The rest of the day, I didn't stress about how much I did, but I just got on with what I needed to do. Later that day I met with Dr. Tony and Carrie. That was an interesting session.
So, as much as Carrie has been a trooper I have been worrying about her because she doesn't speak Spanish very well. She's been able to get around and find things, but none-the-less I worry (just in case you didn't know). Anyway, she's definitely finding her feet and we have found a way to communicate with each other while we are separated ... we'll email each other - she has the computer and I have my iPod Touch. If you read this before we get back home and you pray, please pray that Carrie and Ezra continue to find things to do, the weather would be nice for them to be outside to do things, and to essentially have a great time. They have been making it work, but I don't know how Carrie does it. She has had her moments of frustration, but overall she has been a trooper ... funny thing is that Bob and the others at the clinic pointed that out to me. They were saying how resilient and solid Carrie is. I'm so thankful for her.
Anyway, I think we are up to Monday now. Anna-Maria is one of the older nurses here and she is a believer. One of the other nurses, Teresita, is a believer as well. Anyway, Anna-Maria was helping me with my Sono therapy (ultra-sound) and I was sharing with her how I had a tough few days over the weekend and how I was really tired and sad that I couldn't make it through all the treatments. She said to me, "don't worry if you can't finish the full time. do as much as you can because as much as you are here for treatment, you are here to rest and relax. It is better for you to do half the time and be relaxed then to do the full time and not be relaxed." That was another breakthrough. I was getting so stressed from thinking that I have to do things a certain way or to prove that I can do things, but God was saying, "no ... take your time and rest."
So, I did. The rest of the day, I didn't stress about how much I did, but I just got on with what I needed to do. Later that day I met with Dr. Tony and Carrie. That was an interesting session.
Focus on God
So, as I said, Saturday was not a very good day. To help the situation, I was listening to music or sermons on my iPod, but for some reason the music didn't help the situation. I was listening to Tim Hughes live album from London and normally, the album helps me get back on my feet, but for some reason ... God ... the music was just not cutting it ... until the next morning.
Sometimes I will wake up to a song. It can be Christian or non-Christian, but either way, I have learned that when I wake up to a song, there is significance. I don't sense it right away, but for some reason, I will figure it out later in the day. Anyway, I woke up to the lines of one of Tim Hughes' song ... "I'll remember you ... I'll remember all the things you've done ... remembering the cross ... remembering ... I'll remember you." The significance of this is that as I shared in my last post the night before I told Carrie about how bad my day had been and how discouraged I was. As my loving wife, instead of saying "there, there, everything will be okay." She said to me, "Maybe God wants you to focus on Him and His character instead of just calling out to Him for help." Can you see the connection now? I woke up to the lines saying, "I'll remember you ... and the things you have done."
So, what did I do ... I prayed and called out His attributes and character. What happened? Breakthrough. I looked at my times of treatment as times where I am literally locked away by myself with God. No one to interfere and no one to disturb. I was in the Near-Infrared Sauna and I had my music playing outside the sauna and I was trying to pray in tongues and calling out the things of God and who He is. Good times. I didn't make it through the whole session I was supposed to do, but I know there was breakthrough. At least there was for me in the spiritual sense. I was loosening up. I started singing in some of my sessions while listening to my music because I said to myself that I don't care if people hear me. Better that they hear me and ask me what I was doing then to be ashamed. That's definitely been one of the things that God has been drawing out of me. Am I ashamed to express what is inside of me and to reveal who I really am? You betcha, but I am slowly letting that guard down and letting God in to do His healing work in me.
Sometimes I will wake up to a song. It can be Christian or non-Christian, but either way, I have learned that when I wake up to a song, there is significance. I don't sense it right away, but for some reason, I will figure it out later in the day. Anyway, I woke up to the lines of one of Tim Hughes' song ... "I'll remember you ... I'll remember all the things you've done ... remembering the cross ... remembering ... I'll remember you." The significance of this is that as I shared in my last post the night before I told Carrie about how bad my day had been and how discouraged I was. As my loving wife, instead of saying "there, there, everything will be okay." She said to me, "Maybe God wants you to focus on Him and His character instead of just calling out to Him for help." Can you see the connection now? I woke up to the lines saying, "I'll remember you ... and the things you have done."
So, what did I do ... I prayed and called out His attributes and character. What happened? Breakthrough. I looked at my times of treatment as times where I am literally locked away by myself with God. No one to interfere and no one to disturb. I was in the Near-Infrared Sauna and I had my music playing outside the sauna and I was trying to pray in tongues and calling out the things of God and who He is. Good times. I didn't make it through the whole session I was supposed to do, but I know there was breakthrough. At least there was for me in the spiritual sense. I was loosening up. I started singing in some of my sessions while listening to my music because I said to myself that I don't care if people hear me. Better that they hear me and ask me what I was doing then to be ashamed. That's definitely been one of the things that God has been drawing out of me. Am I ashamed to express what is inside of me and to reveal who I really am? You betcha, but I am slowly letting that guard down and letting God in to do His healing work in me.
Update from the clinic
So, the last time I posted was a video of Carrie and I sharing how things were going. The good is that up to that point things were getting better. The bad is that the enemy (the devil) has been trying to attack in a lot of different ways. If you don't believe in spiritual attacks, then I guess you can skip this whole blog, but if you do believe in spiritual attacks and would like to read on to hear how things are going, feel free to stick around.
So, after I posted the video, I think we ate dinner and then went back to the hotel. BTW, we are staying at the Dali Suites in Playas de Tijuana, which is the beach side area of Tijuana. For those of you who have not been to Tijuana ... Playas is nice, but the overall feel of Tijuana is definitely a transitory and young city. Anyway, getting back to the attack. I got to the hotel and I think I slept okay that night, but the next morning I woke up feeling really run down and not wanting to do much of anything. We got to the clinic and the weather was not the greatest, but it was okay. We got to the clinic and breakfast was being served. It was a nice breakfast, but I didn't want to eat or do anything. I just wanted to sleep and Bob and Eddie (the chiropractors from Houston) were saying to me that I should maybe take a nap ... that I needed energy and a rest would give me that. My problem was that I didn't want to eat or do anything, but I kept telling myself that I need to get on with the treatments.
So, I didn't take a nap and trudged through my treatments ... actually struggled through my treatments and then it was lunch time. Man oh man did I not want to eat the lunch. It didn't look very appetizing and I just didn't want to eat. Bob, who encouraged me to take a nap earlier, was encouraging me to eat because I need all the energy I can get especially since I am fighting cancer. I was so wiped and feeling discouraged and here's where the attack part comes in.
While I was doing my different treatments, I was trying to pray, but I felt like my prayers were falling or going out into empty space. I was already struggling with my personal stance with God for some reason and so to make the situation worse, as I was calling out to God for help in my time of need, I felt like there was nothing on the other end. Talk about freaking out. I was starting to lose it. Not only that, my anxiousness was coming back. My jittery feelings in my arms were coming back and I didn't make it the full time through any of my treatments that day.
Talk about feeling pretty worthless and defeated. I was down in the pits. To top it all off, I was stressing out about Carrie and how she was doing because the weather was not very nice and so I was trying to think of what she was doing with Ezra and wondering if they were bored or restless. The problem with that is that I couldn't talk to them because I found out from sprint that we can't use our phones here unless we pay $1.69 per minute and if I call Carrie it will be $3.48 a minute because of the way sprint double dips on the minutes. So, overall the day was crap.
The good thing is that at the end of the day I shared with Carrie how I was feeling and some of the things I was experiencing that day. I'll share more in the next post.
So, after I posted the video, I think we ate dinner and then went back to the hotel. BTW, we are staying at the Dali Suites in Playas de Tijuana, which is the beach side area of Tijuana. For those of you who have not been to Tijuana ... Playas is nice, but the overall feel of Tijuana is definitely a transitory and young city. Anyway, getting back to the attack. I got to the hotel and I think I slept okay that night, but the next morning I woke up feeling really run down and not wanting to do much of anything. We got to the clinic and the weather was not the greatest, but it was okay. We got to the clinic and breakfast was being served. It was a nice breakfast, but I didn't want to eat or do anything. I just wanted to sleep and Bob and Eddie (the chiropractors from Houston) were saying to me that I should maybe take a nap ... that I needed energy and a rest would give me that. My problem was that I didn't want to eat or do anything, but I kept telling myself that I need to get on with the treatments.
So, I didn't take a nap and trudged through my treatments ... actually struggled through my treatments and then it was lunch time. Man oh man did I not want to eat the lunch. It didn't look very appetizing and I just didn't want to eat. Bob, who encouraged me to take a nap earlier, was encouraging me to eat because I need all the energy I can get especially since I am fighting cancer. I was so wiped and feeling discouraged and here's where the attack part comes in.
While I was doing my different treatments, I was trying to pray, but I felt like my prayers were falling or going out into empty space. I was already struggling with my personal stance with God for some reason and so to make the situation worse, as I was calling out to God for help in my time of need, I felt like there was nothing on the other end. Talk about freaking out. I was starting to lose it. Not only that, my anxiousness was coming back. My jittery feelings in my arms were coming back and I didn't make it the full time through any of my treatments that day.
Talk about feeling pretty worthless and defeated. I was down in the pits. To top it all off, I was stressing out about Carrie and how she was doing because the weather was not very nice and so I was trying to think of what she was doing with Ezra and wondering if they were bored or restless. The problem with that is that I couldn't talk to them because I found out from sprint that we can't use our phones here unless we pay $1.69 per minute and if I call Carrie it will be $3.48 a minute because of the way sprint double dips on the minutes. So, overall the day was crap.
The good thing is that at the end of the day I shared with Carrie how I was feeling and some of the things I was experiencing that day. I'll share more in the next post.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Time at the clinic ... the enemy trying to ...
So, it's Friday and I'm almost done with my third day of treatment and it's going well.
Here's my first attempt at a video blog. Hope it works.
Here's my first attempt at a video blog. Hope it works.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Off to Mexico
Carrie, Ezra and I are off to Tijuana, Mexico tomorrow to go to Hope4Cancer clinic to seek alternative treatment. I will be there for two weeks and then visiting family in California for a week. I'm a little nervous, but at the same time excited to see what will happen. Carrie found this place online a few months ago and felt that God led her to seek out more information and then finally making the decision to go down there.
The amazing thing is that our insurance is covering 80% of the expenses, which is a surprise to us and even the clinic. This and other things have led us to think that God is opening up the door for us to go. We don't know what will happen, but the great thing is that God is in control and He has the best for us in mind. I'm just looking forward to getting out of the cold. Over the past few months I have been slowly losing muscle and fat mass and so the cold cuts right through me. I also get sore and tense really quickly because of the cold, so I am expectant of the benefits of relaxing in some warm climate.
I hope to post more to keep people updated and aware of what's going on. Thanks for all who are reading and supporting us in prayer. Let me know if there is anything more you would like ot know. Thank you.
The amazing thing is that our insurance is covering 80% of the expenses, which is a surprise to us and even the clinic. This and other things have led us to think that God is opening up the door for us to go. We don't know what will happen, but the great thing is that God is in control and He has the best for us in mind. I'm just looking forward to getting out of the cold. Over the past few months I have been slowly losing muscle and fat mass and so the cold cuts right through me. I also get sore and tense really quickly because of the cold, so I am expectant of the benefits of relaxing in some warm climate.
I hope to post more to keep people updated and aware of what's going on. Thanks for all who are reading and supporting us in prayer. Let me know if there is anything more you would like ot know. Thank you.
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