What now?

As usual, it's a few days later ... maybe I need the time to process things in my head ... maybe I just don't make the time. Either way, it's Wednesday night and I saw Dr. John Clark Monday afternoon. It was an interesting visit. The day started out as normal. I slept in a little, Carrie got up with Ezra and had breakfast and played. When I got up, we putzed around getting ready to have Ezra stay with Niki and Margaret. I love the Ikedas. They have been with us through it all. Even before the whole cancer situation, the Ikedas have been there for us. Don't get me wrong, other friends and family members have been there to help and guide us along, but the Ikedas have been like family to us. So, I'm in charge of Ezra while Carrie works a few hours. Unfortunately, the whole nap situation got screwed up and so Ezra didn't have a good nap. I'm stressed, Carrie's stressed and Ezra is just tired.
Thankfully Niki and Margaret are easy going and they ushered us along to Boston and told us not to worry about him. So, we made our way down to Boston to see Dr. Clark. After waiting some time for the doctor to come and see us, which was totally fine, we spent a good 2 hours talking about the next steps. Dr. Clark went through the CT scans with us and agreed that there was growth in the lungs, talked about options, and explained things as we went along.
The really cool thing is that I learned that Clark is a Christian. How cool is that? What's really cool is that all throughout the visit, I kept having these weird sensations like the room was zooming out and in and I could sense God's presence in the room. I couldn't see Him, but I could sense Him. That's one of the reasons why I asked Clark if he was a believer ... I actually asked him if he was Jewish first. Carrie later asked me why I asked him if he was Jewish. I didn't know why I asked that.
Anyway, the end conclusion of the meeting was:
1. I will be put on the waiting list for some experimental trials. A lady from MGH will call me to let me know what is available and ask if I am interested. That's cool.
2. I will try to wean myself off the pain med's and see if I can do without. (Note: I tried today to test to see if I felt pain first of gitters first. Can you guess what came first? Pain. The pain is still kind of there. The gitters came, but thankfully the pain came first. I will have to talk to the doc's about this and figure it out.)
3. I will take 3 months off of chemo for right now. I got the impression that Dr. Clark might want me to try the Platinin drug again, but he says there are other options. The good thing is that I am in a season right now that there is no rush. He said we will have to keep an eye on a nodule in my chest that is close to the air tube connected the lung. If that were to grow, we might have to do some radiation.
Overall, I'm not sure what to feel or think right now. My back is sore, I'm kind of feeling down, and I'm not looking forward to going back to school even though we have some new and exciting things planned for the year. Lord, I need You. I'm feeling nervous about what's going to happen to me. I always thought this was going to be a quick thing and that I would go on talking about what an amazing experience it was to be healed by God. That was a year ago. Times like this I am reminded of Moses and Abraham. They were given promises, really cool promises, and they had to wait a long time to see the fulfillment or not even see the fulfillment of the promises given to them. Lord, is it going to be a long time? I know it was You who promised that I would be healed. Times like this make me think about why am I a Christian. What am I living for?
I feel like I am living for a paycheck to pay the bills, but there is so much more to life than just paying bills. I know I do my best to be an example to my kids at school, but am I really a good example? Am I living for the right things? Do I really know what I believe in.
I was reading one of C.H. Spurgeon's sermon's the other day and it was all about the immutability of God. God is unchanging and His promises are unchanging because He is steadfast and true to His promises. One of His promises / warnings was: "He that believeth not shall be damned." This is Spurgeon talking, but there is truth to it. What are we to believe in? I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe that Jesus lived a sinless life. I believe that Jesus died on the cross. I believe He rose again three days latere and it was his death and resurrection that defeated sin and the penalty of sin. I believe that if I ask for forgiveness He will forgive me of ALL my sins. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe that the Holy Spirit has been sent for me and everyone to live out a life in response to His mercy and grace, but why do I feel like I am not living it out? Why am I not telling others about this? What am I telling them?
When it comes to evangelism, my problem is that I understand that ultimately it is God who calls. It is God who chooses. It is God who saves. It is God who breathes life. So what are we to believe in, or did I answer my own questions? How do I approach someone with the gospel? It's not about fire and brimstone, is it? It's not about a list of do's and don't's. Even as I sit here writing this I wonder if I really know what I am living for. Do I really know what is to come ... after death? Do I really want to be in heaven even though I know that it is going to be an amazing place? I am so focused on myself these days that I have lost my focus on the one who is most important - Jesus. How do I get that focus back on track or how do I get it on track if it wasn't before? It's not just about living a good life, singing the right songs, saying the right things, or being a good person. It's about being madly in love with Jesus, but am I madly in love with Him?