Time has come to an end ... time with family

So, it's been a few days since my last post. Specifically 6 days, but it's been a bit of an adjustment leaving the clinic. My time at the clinic can best be described as going on a retreat. No worries about going to work, no large amount of stressful work, and for the most part - isolated from the real world. We had our time rubbing shoulders with the real world, but most of my time was spent at the clinic doing treatments. Now that I'm away from the clinic, I feel sad, anxious, but hopeful.
The last few hours at the clinic were just as I expected it (because I was still thinking with the old mindset) ... stressful. Things were not going to my plan. I felt like Carrie had her plan, Ezra had his plan, and I had my plan, which I felt would be the last one to be fulfilled. The only reason why it would be that way is because I am not used to speaking up for myself, or if I do speak up for myself, it comes out the wrong way and so the focus is on the delivery as opposed to the content.
I was getting anxious to leave because there wouldn't be the constant encouragement and support of the clinic staff. I would have to rely on Carrie ... would I be able to rely on her? I know in my head the obvious answer is yes, but I was still feeling nervous because even if I do have her support, we were going from having 5 people supporting me to 1 person supporting. The odds were not in my favor ... so I thought. The reality is that the one person that I need and have always had in my corner is Jesus. Carrie and everyone else is a bonus. I'm not just saying this because I have to, I am really learning to believe it ... and even if I don't fully understand or believe, that's where faith comes in. As I met with Dr. Tony for the last time, I felt the faith rising in me. When I first met with Dr. Tony, he said to me that I need to keep faith above fear because if fear is above faith, then we waver and start to shake. If we keep our faith above fear, then we can do anything. How do I keep faith above fear? Keeping my eyes on Jesus.
Over the last few hours, I was forgetting to do that ... and even as I have been away from the clinic, I have found myself losing sight of Jesus again. The good thing is that He is gracious and it's not dependent on me, but His grace. He knows that I am going to waver and if I didn't then I wouldn't need Him ... that's the whole point. We can never get it right on our own. That's why we are to abide in Him as it says in John 15. The great thing about the clinic was that there weren't too many distractions for me to keep me away from Jesus, but being away from the clinic, I am seeing how many distractions there are ... so many. Some are good and others not so good, but either way, a distraction is a distraction.
So, what am I to do? Go back and live at the clinic? Of course not. We are to move forward with treatments, vitamins, diet and emotional healing and then wait on Jesus for the healing. Before leaving New Hampshire, Nancy LeFevers said to me, I am not praying for healing for you anymore. I am giving God thanks for the healing He is giving you. Someone had said that to me before and I believed it for a short while, but because the pain wasn't going away, I dismissed it. Now that I have spent some time at the clinic and realized that I need to do some soul searching and allowing God to do some inner healing (emotionally and spiritually) first, I am expectant and thanking God for the healing work that He is doing in me.
How can I know that He is healing me? How can I know He is at work in me? Because of all the memories and words that have been triggered while I was at the clinic and while I have been visiting with family in California. As I was chatting with people at the clinic, I would constantly remember words or pictures that I had before coming to the clinic. I always dismissed them as random thoughts or words with no significance, but I realized as I was reading through the "recall healing" book that a lot of the things that I struggled with or the emotional scars that I had were connected to the words / thoughts I had from before. If you're reading this and this makes no sense, please email me and ask me about it. The amazing thing is that God was trying to speak to me before about some of the hurt I experienced in the past or the uncertainties I was feeling as I was growing up. Feelings of "not belonging" to "wanting to get out but feeling trapped." All these feelings and thoughts didn't make sense at the time and they were struggles of mine, but as I talked with Dr. Tony and others, those feelings and thoughts or at least why I was having them made sense. So, the amazing thing is that God was speaking to me about these things through His Holy Spirit, but the timing wasn't right for me to understand. I am thankful that the timing is better now and that I am starting to make sense of the past and taking steps toward a long and fun-filled life. I was surprised and relieved as I sat with Carrie in my last meeting with Dr. Tony and I laughed at his jokes. Not that he's not funny, but I usually don't laugh at jokes even though they are really funny. I'm thankful that God is loosening up my funny bone as well as the rest of my body. Hopefully as I deal with my past and dump the bad stuff, I will make great progress toward the future.
One of the many great things about our trip out here has been our time with my family ... actually our time in California. As we were leaving the clinic, we felt like minor celebrities because everyone was saying their good-bye's and giving hugs. It was a sad moment, but we know it was time for us to leave. So, Jesus took us to the border and we were a little late getting over, but it was perfect timing - the lines were short. We only had to wait half an hour as opposed to 2 hours. We picked up our equipment for continuing our treatments and then we went to pick up our rental car. It took us a while to find the Alamo station and finally when we found it, the guy was going to try to charge us $700 for the week ... we talked him down to $200 and he gave us an upgrade, so that was cool. Unfortunately, we still had a 2 hour drive ahead of us to get to my uncle's house. We got there and had a quick meal at souplantation and called it a night. The next day we met up with my aunt and cousin and then made our way up to my cousin Stephanie's.
After about 6 or 7 hours, we got to my cousins and camped out there. I have to say, that I didn't think it was worth the drive up to San Francisco, but now that we are here, I am so thankful that we are here. It's been such a blessing to be here. My cousin's family has been so welcoming and supportive of everything that we've needed and they have been so good with Ezra. I've actually learned some cool parenting tips from them. I wish I can say more right now, but the bottom line is that my time here in San Mateo (Hillsborough) has been awesome and a God send. I gotta go now and I hope to post again before we go home, but I am so thankful for all that God is doing and saying. Thank you, Lord.