So, I am making progress and as I said to the ladies at the clinic ... I feel like a machine. I am getting used to all the treatments and the schedule that I am going from one treatment to the next and doing the full time for most treatments. The only one that I am still having trouble with is the sauna. I'm getting there, but not there yet.
Tuesday was a great day. I forgot to share about the muscle pain that I have been experiencing ... since starting the treatments, I have been experiencing muscle pain in my upper chest and back area. I found out that one of the reasons for my anxiousness is because we cut my pain med's down too much too fast and one of the sleep pills that they were giving me must have been giving me an allergic reaction. I have stopped with the sleep pill and guess what ... I didn't have as much pain as I was having before. I still have some soreness and pain, but not as much as when I took the sleep pill.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night and I found the answer to my restlessness in Romans. I read through all of Romans and I remembered why I love Romans so much. Romans 10:9. That was what I was looking for. I was listening to a Tim Keller message earlier in the day and it was all about being an inside-out Christian. That message really blessed and encouraged me. I am still in the process of fully embracing it, but I think I am 99.9999% there.
Which brings me to today. Another attack. The day was going fine. Like a machine I was going through all my treatments and I was getting ready to meet with Dr. Tony to go over my letter and to do some cleaning house, but there were several new patients who came to the clinic in the past couple of days and so he had to meet with them first. On top of that, other people went to meet him at their normal times, but I didn't get a chance to meet with Dr. Tony. In all honesty, I was really angry because I waited around all day to meet with him and forewent doing other things because I didn't want to miss my appointment. To make it up, Dr. Tony came and said that he wll give me an extended session tomorrow, but this was an interesting test. My problem is that I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. Carrie can testify to that, but one of the things that came up in some of the sessions with Dr. Tony is that I need to let go of a lot of things ... the whole hoarding issue came up (good and bad) and I need to do something about it.
Will I forgive and forget this? I'm sure I will but the weird thing is that all kinds of things that God wants me to sort out is coming up. i.e. being kinder to Carrie, being more patient with Ezra, learning to let things go and not hold onto bitterness. It's funny how God will put us to the test so that we can learn and grow from life experiences (big or small).
So, I had to meet with Pam today to talk about home-program stuff and that caught me off guard and threw off my schedule today, which is another lesson I have to learn - learning to adjust and relaxing when my schedule gets thrown off. It's not her fault and it was good to meet, but everything was out of sorts for me. Overall, the day just felt weird. Maybe it was because I was supposed to meet with Dr. Tony to do some cleaning house (spiritually). Either way, I lost it by the time I got to the hotel and tonight was the first time we tried to do a treatment on our own (Coffee Enema). I ended up burning my insides ... hopefully all is well in the morning, but the bad is that I lost it with Carrie and Ezra. I really don't like how the enemy tries to mess things up ... or how God tries to teach us patience, faith or other important life lessons through life experiences. Don't get me wrong ... I am so thankful that God is giving me those lessons, but I get frustrated with myself because I still am not handling them very well. That's why I am so thankful for His grace. What would we be or where would we be if we did not have the mercy of God to fall on? Anyway, I've caught us up and for sure there is more to share and talk about, but that's it for right now. I have to go to sleep or at least try ... it's another full day today (it's 12:46am my time).
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Project Purpose and the letter
So, I met with Dr. Tony and Carrie and we started to talk about healing spiritually and how it's important to identify past hurts and to make a plan for the future. He mentioned how the psychic feeds the brain and the brain feeds the body and so if we get the psychic programmed right then the rest will fall into place. This goes back to what everyone has been saying to me ... get rid of negative thoughts / stress because it is not helping and think positively because I need to rewire my thinking. I know that there is more to just thinking positively, but we do what we think and if what I am thinking is not good, then it does me no good. It's like when Jesus was saying to have an angry thought about someone is the same as killing that someone. To God it's all the same, so I am trying to think positively ... it's not coming very easily ... please pray that God will really rewire my thinking to be more positive and not just airy fairy thinking, but productive, kind, peaceful thoughts.
As we were talking with Dr. Tony, all sorts of stuff came out and a few major points that he asked me to think and pray about was the time I was in my mother's womb, my father's accident and lack of presence in my life. He asked me to write a letter to my dad as a cathartic way of releasing any hurt that I may have. I wrote the letter and haven't had my session yet with Dr. Tony but I hope it works. Anyway, things were starting to turn. I was feeling better ... feeling like I was connecting with God ... enjoying his presence ... and making progress.
As we were talking with Dr. Tony, all sorts of stuff came out and a few major points that he asked me to think and pray about was the time I was in my mother's womb, my father's accident and lack of presence in my life. He asked me to write a letter to my dad as a cathartic way of releasing any hurt that I may have. I wrote the letter and haven't had my session yet with Dr. Tony but I hope it works. Anyway, things were starting to turn. I was feeling better ... feeling like I was connecting with God ... enjoying his presence ... and making progress.
Anna-Maria
So, Sunday was good even though I didn't get to go to Dr. Tony's church or any church, but that's okay. I had my private times with God in my sessions. I felt bad for Carrie because I don't remember if the weather had gotten better yet, but she's pretty much been a trooper taking care of Ezra and entertaining him. She's been going around everywhere with him ... mommy's little buddy, who has been named, "little Sam." Ezra has won the hearts of all the people here at the clinic. Just today, one of the ladies said to me, "we all just got our high fives from little Sam."
So, as much as Carrie has been a trooper I have been worrying about her because she doesn't speak Spanish very well. She's been able to get around and find things, but none-the-less I worry (just in case you didn't know). Anyway, she's definitely finding her feet and we have found a way to communicate with each other while we are separated ... we'll email each other - she has the computer and I have my iPod Touch. If you read this before we get back home and you pray, please pray that Carrie and Ezra continue to find things to do, the weather would be nice for them to be outside to do things, and to essentially have a great time. They have been making it work, but I don't know how Carrie does it. She has had her moments of frustration, but overall she has been a trooper ... funny thing is that Bob and the others at the clinic pointed that out to me. They were saying how resilient and solid Carrie is. I'm so thankful for her.
Anyway, I think we are up to Monday now. Anna-Maria is one of the older nurses here and she is a believer. One of the other nurses, Teresita, is a believer as well. Anyway, Anna-Maria was helping me with my Sono therapy (ultra-sound) and I was sharing with her how I had a tough few days over the weekend and how I was really tired and sad that I couldn't make it through all the treatments. She said to me, "don't worry if you can't finish the full time. do as much as you can because as much as you are here for treatment, you are here to rest and relax. It is better for you to do half the time and be relaxed then to do the full time and not be relaxed." That was another breakthrough. I was getting so stressed from thinking that I have to do things a certain way or to prove that I can do things, but God was saying, "no ... take your time and rest."
So, I did. The rest of the day, I didn't stress about how much I did, but I just got on with what I needed to do. Later that day I met with Dr. Tony and Carrie. That was an interesting session.
So, as much as Carrie has been a trooper I have been worrying about her because she doesn't speak Spanish very well. She's been able to get around and find things, but none-the-less I worry (just in case you didn't know). Anyway, she's definitely finding her feet and we have found a way to communicate with each other while we are separated ... we'll email each other - she has the computer and I have my iPod Touch. If you read this before we get back home and you pray, please pray that Carrie and Ezra continue to find things to do, the weather would be nice for them to be outside to do things, and to essentially have a great time. They have been making it work, but I don't know how Carrie does it. She has had her moments of frustration, but overall she has been a trooper ... funny thing is that Bob and the others at the clinic pointed that out to me. They were saying how resilient and solid Carrie is. I'm so thankful for her.
Anyway, I think we are up to Monday now. Anna-Maria is one of the older nurses here and she is a believer. One of the other nurses, Teresita, is a believer as well. Anyway, Anna-Maria was helping me with my Sono therapy (ultra-sound) and I was sharing with her how I had a tough few days over the weekend and how I was really tired and sad that I couldn't make it through all the treatments. She said to me, "don't worry if you can't finish the full time. do as much as you can because as much as you are here for treatment, you are here to rest and relax. It is better for you to do half the time and be relaxed then to do the full time and not be relaxed." That was another breakthrough. I was getting so stressed from thinking that I have to do things a certain way or to prove that I can do things, but God was saying, "no ... take your time and rest."
So, I did. The rest of the day, I didn't stress about how much I did, but I just got on with what I needed to do. Later that day I met with Dr. Tony and Carrie. That was an interesting session.
Focus on God
So, as I said, Saturday was not a very good day. To help the situation, I was listening to music or sermons on my iPod, but for some reason the music didn't help the situation. I was listening to Tim Hughes live album from London and normally, the album helps me get back on my feet, but for some reason ... God ... the music was just not cutting it ... until the next morning.
Sometimes I will wake up to a song. It can be Christian or non-Christian, but either way, I have learned that when I wake up to a song, there is significance. I don't sense it right away, but for some reason, I will figure it out later in the day. Anyway, I woke up to the lines of one of Tim Hughes' song ... "I'll remember you ... I'll remember all the things you've done ... remembering the cross ... remembering ... I'll remember you." The significance of this is that as I shared in my last post the night before I told Carrie about how bad my day had been and how discouraged I was. As my loving wife, instead of saying "there, there, everything will be okay." She said to me, "Maybe God wants you to focus on Him and His character instead of just calling out to Him for help." Can you see the connection now? I woke up to the lines saying, "I'll remember you ... and the things you have done."
So, what did I do ... I prayed and called out His attributes and character. What happened? Breakthrough. I looked at my times of treatment as times where I am literally locked away by myself with God. No one to interfere and no one to disturb. I was in the Near-Infrared Sauna and I had my music playing outside the sauna and I was trying to pray in tongues and calling out the things of God and who He is. Good times. I didn't make it through the whole session I was supposed to do, but I know there was breakthrough. At least there was for me in the spiritual sense. I was loosening up. I started singing in some of my sessions while listening to my music because I said to myself that I don't care if people hear me. Better that they hear me and ask me what I was doing then to be ashamed. That's definitely been one of the things that God has been drawing out of me. Am I ashamed to express what is inside of me and to reveal who I really am? You betcha, but I am slowly letting that guard down and letting God in to do His healing work in me.
Sometimes I will wake up to a song. It can be Christian or non-Christian, but either way, I have learned that when I wake up to a song, there is significance. I don't sense it right away, but for some reason, I will figure it out later in the day. Anyway, I woke up to the lines of one of Tim Hughes' song ... "I'll remember you ... I'll remember all the things you've done ... remembering the cross ... remembering ... I'll remember you." The significance of this is that as I shared in my last post the night before I told Carrie about how bad my day had been and how discouraged I was. As my loving wife, instead of saying "there, there, everything will be okay." She said to me, "Maybe God wants you to focus on Him and His character instead of just calling out to Him for help." Can you see the connection now? I woke up to the lines saying, "I'll remember you ... and the things you have done."
So, what did I do ... I prayed and called out His attributes and character. What happened? Breakthrough. I looked at my times of treatment as times where I am literally locked away by myself with God. No one to interfere and no one to disturb. I was in the Near-Infrared Sauna and I had my music playing outside the sauna and I was trying to pray in tongues and calling out the things of God and who He is. Good times. I didn't make it through the whole session I was supposed to do, but I know there was breakthrough. At least there was for me in the spiritual sense. I was loosening up. I started singing in some of my sessions while listening to my music because I said to myself that I don't care if people hear me. Better that they hear me and ask me what I was doing then to be ashamed. That's definitely been one of the things that God has been drawing out of me. Am I ashamed to express what is inside of me and to reveal who I really am? You betcha, but I am slowly letting that guard down and letting God in to do His healing work in me.
Update from the clinic
So, the last time I posted was a video of Carrie and I sharing how things were going. The good is that up to that point things were getting better. The bad is that the enemy (the devil) has been trying to attack in a lot of different ways. If you don't believe in spiritual attacks, then I guess you can skip this whole blog, but if you do believe in spiritual attacks and would like to read on to hear how things are going, feel free to stick around.
So, after I posted the video, I think we ate dinner and then went back to the hotel. BTW, we are staying at the Dali Suites in Playas de Tijuana, which is the beach side area of Tijuana. For those of you who have not been to Tijuana ... Playas is nice, but the overall feel of Tijuana is definitely a transitory and young city. Anyway, getting back to the attack. I got to the hotel and I think I slept okay that night, but the next morning I woke up feeling really run down and not wanting to do much of anything. We got to the clinic and the weather was not the greatest, but it was okay. We got to the clinic and breakfast was being served. It was a nice breakfast, but I didn't want to eat or do anything. I just wanted to sleep and Bob and Eddie (the chiropractors from Houston) were saying to me that I should maybe take a nap ... that I needed energy and a rest would give me that. My problem was that I didn't want to eat or do anything, but I kept telling myself that I need to get on with the treatments.
So, I didn't take a nap and trudged through my treatments ... actually struggled through my treatments and then it was lunch time. Man oh man did I not want to eat the lunch. It didn't look very appetizing and I just didn't want to eat. Bob, who encouraged me to take a nap earlier, was encouraging me to eat because I need all the energy I can get especially since I am fighting cancer. I was so wiped and feeling discouraged and here's where the attack part comes in.
While I was doing my different treatments, I was trying to pray, but I felt like my prayers were falling or going out into empty space. I was already struggling with my personal stance with God for some reason and so to make the situation worse, as I was calling out to God for help in my time of need, I felt like there was nothing on the other end. Talk about freaking out. I was starting to lose it. Not only that, my anxiousness was coming back. My jittery feelings in my arms were coming back and I didn't make it the full time through any of my treatments that day.
Talk about feeling pretty worthless and defeated. I was down in the pits. To top it all off, I was stressing out about Carrie and how she was doing because the weather was not very nice and so I was trying to think of what she was doing with Ezra and wondering if they were bored or restless. The problem with that is that I couldn't talk to them because I found out from sprint that we can't use our phones here unless we pay $1.69 per minute and if I call Carrie it will be $3.48 a minute because of the way sprint double dips on the minutes. So, overall the day was crap.
The good thing is that at the end of the day I shared with Carrie how I was feeling and some of the things I was experiencing that day. I'll share more in the next post.
So, after I posted the video, I think we ate dinner and then went back to the hotel. BTW, we are staying at the Dali Suites in Playas de Tijuana, which is the beach side area of Tijuana. For those of you who have not been to Tijuana ... Playas is nice, but the overall feel of Tijuana is definitely a transitory and young city. Anyway, getting back to the attack. I got to the hotel and I think I slept okay that night, but the next morning I woke up feeling really run down and not wanting to do much of anything. We got to the clinic and the weather was not the greatest, but it was okay. We got to the clinic and breakfast was being served. It was a nice breakfast, but I didn't want to eat or do anything. I just wanted to sleep and Bob and Eddie (the chiropractors from Houston) were saying to me that I should maybe take a nap ... that I needed energy and a rest would give me that. My problem was that I didn't want to eat or do anything, but I kept telling myself that I need to get on with the treatments.
So, I didn't take a nap and trudged through my treatments ... actually struggled through my treatments and then it was lunch time. Man oh man did I not want to eat the lunch. It didn't look very appetizing and I just didn't want to eat. Bob, who encouraged me to take a nap earlier, was encouraging me to eat because I need all the energy I can get especially since I am fighting cancer. I was so wiped and feeling discouraged and here's where the attack part comes in.
While I was doing my different treatments, I was trying to pray, but I felt like my prayers were falling or going out into empty space. I was already struggling with my personal stance with God for some reason and so to make the situation worse, as I was calling out to God for help in my time of need, I felt like there was nothing on the other end. Talk about freaking out. I was starting to lose it. Not only that, my anxiousness was coming back. My jittery feelings in my arms were coming back and I didn't make it the full time through any of my treatments that day.
Talk about feeling pretty worthless and defeated. I was down in the pits. To top it all off, I was stressing out about Carrie and how she was doing because the weather was not very nice and so I was trying to think of what she was doing with Ezra and wondering if they were bored or restless. The problem with that is that I couldn't talk to them because I found out from sprint that we can't use our phones here unless we pay $1.69 per minute and if I call Carrie it will be $3.48 a minute because of the way sprint double dips on the minutes. So, overall the day was crap.
The good thing is that at the end of the day I shared with Carrie how I was feeling and some of the things I was experiencing that day. I'll share more in the next post.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Time at the clinic ... the enemy trying to ...
So, it's Friday and I'm almost done with my third day of treatment and it's going well.
Here's my first attempt at a video blog. Hope it works.
Here's my first attempt at a video blog. Hope it works.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Off to Mexico
Carrie, Ezra and I are off to Tijuana, Mexico tomorrow to go to Hope4Cancer clinic to seek alternative treatment. I will be there for two weeks and then visiting family in California for a week. I'm a little nervous, but at the same time excited to see what will happen. Carrie found this place online a few months ago and felt that God led her to seek out more information and then finally making the decision to go down there.
The amazing thing is that our insurance is covering 80% of the expenses, which is a surprise to us and even the clinic. This and other things have led us to think that God is opening up the door for us to go. We don't know what will happen, but the great thing is that God is in control and He has the best for us in mind. I'm just looking forward to getting out of the cold. Over the past few months I have been slowly losing muscle and fat mass and so the cold cuts right through me. I also get sore and tense really quickly because of the cold, so I am expectant of the benefits of relaxing in some warm climate.
I hope to post more to keep people updated and aware of what's going on. Thanks for all who are reading and supporting us in prayer. Let me know if there is anything more you would like ot know. Thank you.
The amazing thing is that our insurance is covering 80% of the expenses, which is a surprise to us and even the clinic. This and other things have led us to think that God is opening up the door for us to go. We don't know what will happen, but the great thing is that God is in control and He has the best for us in mind. I'm just looking forward to getting out of the cold. Over the past few months I have been slowly losing muscle and fat mass and so the cold cuts right through me. I also get sore and tense really quickly because of the cold, so I am expectant of the benefits of relaxing in some warm climate.
I hope to post more to keep people updated and aware of what's going on. Thanks for all who are reading and supporting us in prayer. Let me know if there is anything more you would like ot know. Thank you.
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